Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Meh, Another New Year

I've never been a fan of New Year's Eve. I find it depressing and have felt this way for as long as I can remember.

I don't know what it is that saddens me on this day. It seems so overrated to me, and I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to celebrate...that I've lived another year? that I can still make it to midnight?

I always enjoy getting together with friends. I love making food and snacks, etc., for our little New Year's get together. I love hosting a party! I just don't like the countdown to midnight or everyone kissing and hugging at midnight. It makes me uncomfortable for some reason. It also saddens me for reasons of which I'm just not sure.

One New Year's Eve, I'd like to go to bed at 11 pm (preferably not alone!) and just skip the festivities and pleasantries. It'll happen one year. Until then....le sigh.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

It's All About Her

Every morning at about 6:30, my daughter scoots into bed with me for that last hour of sleep.

This morning, I could see the very top of her head sticking out of the blanket and I could hear her breathing.

I could feel my heart swell. It doesn't get any better than that.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

It's Not You. It's me.

Dear Blog:

I just haven't been feeling you lately. Is it because I've been feeling better about myself as of late? Perhaps but I'm not sure. I've even shut you off so that the no one can read what I write now. Don't worry, the shut off is only temporary. I'm just savouring the silence.

I like that I can be a fairweather friend with you, Blog. I like that I can use you to share my confusion and sadness at times.


Thursday, December 11, 2008

I'm not knocking or drugs or anything by posting this picture. In fact, some drugs may help you see less of the ugliness in other people. I'm just sayin'.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

My Numerology Portrait

Meh, I'm not sure what I think of this. There are some hits and misses here. I can agree that I'm not one to go with the status quo, but I'm not a domineering person by any means. I'm not loud enough and although I'm quite passionate in my beliefs, I'm not one to force them on others.

Numerology Portrait for Maddy

Your Soul Number is FIVE.

A deep inner restlessness and discontent with the status quo makes you seek out adventure, excitement, and the unconventional. You thrive on new ideas, change, travel, experimenting with new ways of doing things. Predictability and routine make you feel lifeless and unhappy so you must find a lifestyle that is varied enough to be mentally stimulating and challenging. Independent, freedom-loving, and easily bored, you have trouble making commitments and finishing projects. You often "move on" prematurely, whether in a personal relationship or in your work. You need to develop discipline and perseverance when you have an important goal.

You have many talents and need many outlets and avenues for their expression, but try to finish one thing before attempting the next.

You also learn quickly and enjoy "turning on" others to new horizons and discoveries. Getting people out of their mental ruts and sparking their minds may be what you do best.

Your Personality Number is FIVE.

You are outgoing and expressive with an engaging, lively verbal style. Quick-witted and fluent, you can be a sparkling conversationalist or persuasive salesman. There is also a mischievous playfulness about you and you may be a terrible tease. You like to poke fun at more serious or pompous individuals.

You are quite magnetic and attractive to the opposite sex, and you need a lot of mental and emotional stimulation in order to be happy. It is good for you to have many friends and acquaintances of both sexes.

You are rarely still and you appear restless, as if you were itching to get up and go someplace. You quickly become impatient if your environment is not interesting and varied. You don't want to miss anything. You may seem fickle and undependable to others.

You appear youthful regardless of your age, and you like to be up to date. You pay attention to fashion trends and will experiment with the latest styles and fads. You enjoy dressing for dramatic effect and sometimes wear unusual, attention-getting combinations.

Your Destiny Number is ONE.

You are creative, inventive, and innovative, and it is your desire to make some unique contribution to the world. Following in others' footsteps is not for you. Independence, self-reliance, and originality are your keywords. You achieve success through your own initiative and efforts, and it is best for you to work alone or be at the head of things. You are not a team player, and do not cooperate very well with others. Sacrificing your own beliefs or desires in order to "fit in" just doesn't work for you. You rarely listen to advice or ask for outside help either. You need to be a free agent, to decide for yourself, experiment, and make your own mistakes.

You can be very self-centered without even realizing it, oblivious to the concerns of others. Your own interests and projects take precedence over everything else.

You want to be "Number One". Just be certain you don't trample over others on your way to your goal or you will alienate them and become the "odd man out".

You Career Number is ONE.

You are suited for activities calling for creativity, originality, inventiveness, courage, and initiative. You are a pioneer and explorer. Avoid partnerships - you are a dominant individual who needs to be in charge.

Careers and Vocations: Leader, executive, director, manager, foreman, head of a department, owner of your own business, inventor, originator and promoter of new methods or products, free-lancer, contractor, independent operator, self-made man or woman.

Your Missing Number(s) are:

TWO: Cultivate diplomacy, a valuable trait that can only help you as you develop emotionally, psychically, and mentally. Be more flexible -- try to truly cooperate, compromise, and appreciate another's point of view. Hone an awareness of others' needs and concerns. Remember that a take-no-prisoners attitude will only harm everyone -- including you -- in the end.

SIX: Try spending more time on the home front. Don't neglect your loved ones, who may need you more than you know. An increased interest in your community, whether on a local or global scale, can only help you develop your sense of self and let you reach your true goals. Now is the time to develop more loving concern for others. Realize that the personal touch and caring is more valuable than any strictly material gift you could give.

EIGHT: Try to develop an interest and an education in financial and legal matters to prevent mistakes with your finances. Learn how to manage time and resources more efficiently. Do you have a sense of what goals, both materially and spiritually, you would like to reach? Do you have ideas about how to start working toward them? If not, it's time to get practical. Educate yourself in the ways of the world, and you'll avoid making foolish decisions.

Your First Vowel is A.

Your instinctive response to any situation is ACTION. You are decisive and bold, and you meet life head on. You think for yourself, you know what you want and you go after it directly. Impulsive and headstrong, it will take you many years before you learn to look before you leap. You have a sense of adventure and a willingness to try a new path.

It is difficult for you to be still, to wait, or to allow situations to resolve themselves in their own time. You always want to DO something, get everything up front, resolve the problem. It is hard for you to live with ambivalence and uncertainty.

You cannot be deceptive or hide your true thoughts and intentions very easily. You are generally unafraid of what other people think of you. You dare to be yourself. Often, in fact, you appear oblivious to the impact your actions have on other people, and you may seem arrogant.

Your First Initial is M.

You are a loyal, conscientious, and giving person, who takes your work and personal responsibilities seriously. Others depend upon you, often heavily, and you are willing to take on the troubles and burdens of other people. You have very strong family ties which may require emotional or financial sacrifices on your part, and you are often the one to whom others turn in times of need. You may experience many emotional or physical difficulties, or help others to overcome such problems. You are compassionate and comforting to people in distress, but must be wary of becoming immersed and overwhelmed by others' sorrows. Avoid becoming a martyr. Marriage is very important to you and the love and security of a stable home and family are among your most cherished desires.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Is This What Makes the World Go Round?

The soul that can speak through the eyes, can also kiss with a gaze."
~Gustav Adolfo Becquer

I have love and relationships on my mind. This a topic on which I have so much to say but organizing my written thoughts in an appropriate manner is somewhat of a challenge for me. As a result, this short post has taken me almost a week to write.

People spend their lives searching for that special someone to love them unconditionally simply for what we are about.

Love and relationships take a whole lot of work by both parties. People change so it goes without saying that love can and will change as well. Sometimes, if you both nurture it, this love grows and blossoms with you, but if neglected, it can fade or it simply changes to a different kind of love. This I know.

I am a completely different person than I was five years ago or even ten years ago. The love that I once had has faded and changed, and I can't see it ever coming back. It did not make the change with me. It is still waiting for the old me to come back, but I don't think that's possible. I don't think I even want to make it possible.

This was not what I had planned and it devastates me.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

So What, I'm Still a Rock Star

Why the rock star title you ask? I don't know really. I was listening to Pink's song on the way to work this morning and it sounded good. I, however, am not a rock star which is quite all right with me.

Why the big butts promo picture above you ask? It's very simple folks. I like to call it "not-so subliminal messaging." Tell your friends!

I'm spending most of my free time studying these days. I take courses here at the university and have a midterm coming up. I'm taking sociology so I can study your asses....but not your individual asses. I'm studying your asses as a group or a society of asses if you will. And, if we're gong to get all technical, I'm not really studying your asses either. I did peak once though.

I don't know why I'm bringing up asses and butts so much today. It was really not my intent when I started this post.

University is something that I wish I had done when I was younger. I can honestly say that I have few regrets about what I HAVE done with my life but I have a few regrets about things I HAVEN'T done. University is one of them. (Editor's note: Not having sex with a certain someone waaaay back in the day is another!)

University wasn't mentioned to me when I was young. It was just assumed that I would either get a job and work or go to college after high school. It should have been an option because I was a bright kid. Without a doubt, I do not catch on to things now as quickly as I once did.

Sociology is a subject I love. I am a people watcher, and I could and stalk haunt pursue watch people for hours. We each have our own realities and/or perceptions of reality which is the simple explanation for "What the heck was she thinking?"

Be well.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

I am an inquisitive person by nature. I like to learn new things. I enjoy meeting new people, especially people with different cultures, beliefs, morals, etc. I always have a lot of questions of them as well.

I have met my share of interesting people. Please note that simply because I have met these people and had conversations with them, it does not mean that I have or will ever take part in these lifestyles. I am, however, fascinated by them and their uniqueness. I have the utmost admiration for people who dare to be their true self.

I recently met a naturist, more commonly known as a nudist. I had so many questions. Life with no clothes. Personally, I think the whole thing would just freak me out, but these people think nothing of their nakedness. How different. I suppose my whole thing is separating nudity and sex. A naturist's distaste for clothing is not about sex. For me, naked=sex.

I am fascinated by the whole concept though. Again, don't take my fascination with wanting to try it or even judging it. Clothes shopping would simply not be the same, and really, what is life without shopping? I have no desire to take part, but wow, to be that comfortable with your body would be truly liberating. "This is me as I am."

I have bouts were I am very comfortable with my body and times when I don't want to see myself in the mirror, let alone have someone else look at me. It depends on which aspect of my personality is more pronounced that day. Some days, I feel bold and saucy and other days, I will avoid looking you in the eye. I'm not sure why. This is how I've always been. It confuses me too. Sometimes I feel like a nut and sometimes I don't.

We may get our first snow storm this weekend. I plan on curling up on the couch with a book and a blanket.

Love to you.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Robin Williams was fabulous. He's really quite amazing to see. I'm in awe at how much he had to say and the rate at which he said it as well as the characters which he played. It was a great couple of days away and we couldn't have asked for better weather.

I've been having a lot of discussions lately about tattoos with a tattooed friend of mine. I've been having an itch lately to have another one done.

It's funny to me when people come to me and ask what is the symbolic meaning of my tattoos. For me, it's deeply personal and not something I wish to share. The tattoos are for me. It is my way of marking a moment in time. It's also my special little way of repelling some judgmental people. Yes, I know--How emo of me.

These past couple of nights, there has been a full moon in the sky.

The other day, as my pal and I were driving to Orillia, it was such a beautiful fall day. The perfect day for a drive. I just had to smile.

In these little moments, I don't have a care in the world. I stop and appreciate them now however I haven't always been that way. I do hope I continue being more aware and "grow" even more so. I don't want to forget again.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Robin and I

This afternoon, I'm hitting the road for a desperate housewives' road trip. I'm off to Orillia for a couple of days, and the main purpose of the trip is to see Robin Williams!!

How freakin' cool is that?

I'll let you know when I get back!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!

Today is all about me. Ok, me and Halloween and candy.

I'm off and spending a delightful day loafing about the house. It's almost noon and I'm still wearing my housecoat! The life of sluggishness is nice sometimes.

It is a crisp fall day, the sun is shining and I'm listening to Adele. Her voice is so lovely, I cannot help but smile on the inside.

I'm going to keep chasing pavements, even if it leads no where. I'm not afraid of change. For now, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

What Next?

I'm not really sure what I should be doing with myself lately. I'm a little lost and a little sad. The days go by, and I've been going to bed early simply to put an end the day.

Someone who reads this blog emailed me to tell me nicely that I think too much. Bingo! That's exactly what I've been trying to tell you guys. That's why I'm writing this blog and spilling my gut about some of my private thoughts.

These thoughts race around in my head. Picture it like a bunch of derby cars going too fast in a little ring. They eventually crash into one another. How am I supposed concentrate on one thing when all these cars keep crashing into each other around me?

Writing my thoughts down helps me organize and release. Does that make sense?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Do You Eat with that Mouth?

I have a confession or disclaimer of sorts. It involves my last post and my ever-so-bold use of the word "cock".

I can be bold at times and I consider myself to be quite sexually uninhibited. However, I do have issues with "talking dirty" in the midst of intimate moments. I can't do it. Oh, I know what I could and should say and I love hearing it, but getting the words out of my mouth is a whole other matter.

So yes, I can write the word cock over and over, and I could write you a story that would make some of you blush, some of you warm and tingly, and some of you frown upon me. However, when the time comes to whisper it in that special someone's ear, I become that shy little school girl.

I guess that's why I enjoy writing. I can remove my filter and just let it pour out.

This is me.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Crimson Pride, Cherry Balm, Dream Cream....Oh My!

I needed a distraction this weekend, so a friend and I took a road trip to Barrie for the night.

We attended Yuk Yuks and as a result of it, I will never look at my lipstick the same again. There were all female comediennes. I love that! Anyways, one of the comediennes was describing the colour of lipstick as being "cock pink". That's when it occurred to me. My freakin' lipstick is cock pink. It says mocha pink on the tube but now I know better. Putting it on my lips has a whole new meaning for me.

I'd love to go to the cosmetic counter and ask the esthetician if they have some lipstick in the shade of cock. Try that one on for size Crayola.

I also saw a band called the Orange Man. They absolutely rock and have got to be one of the best bar bands I have ever seen! Check them out by clicking here!

They often play in the Barrie and Mississauga area, so if you have the opportunity, go see them!! I think they're going to "make it" some day. They are that good. I plan to stalk them on occasion.

It was a good weekend and I was somewhat distracted from my busy thoughts, but I don't think this grey weather helps all that much.

Be well.

Monday, October 20, 2008

A Lazy Weeked

Not much was accomplished this weekend. I was a couch potato and I loved it!

On Saturday, we brought my daughter to the pumpkin patch. It was a lovely autumn day, and I'll post pictures of our little outing tout de suite.

Instead of cleaning and organizing my house for the week, I chatted on the phone with an old friend for a couple of hours. Hello old friend! It was awesome talking to you again, even at the expense of my messed up house!

I haven't really spoken with this friend in about six years. It amazes me that we can just pick up and talk and talk after all this time and as though no time has really passed. Very cool.

I'm signing off for now. Let's call this one of my short and sweet posts.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

A Walk in the Bush

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Seatbelt Sign is ON!!!!

I have PMS today which means that it doesn't take much for people to annoy the crap out of me. Have you ever seen the stop-smoking commercial where the airline stewardess is shrieking, "The seat belt sign is on!!" That is so me.

I haven't been writing here nearly as much as I would like. It seems that I go through these ebbs and flows of wanting to share and connect and being downright anti-social. Lately my anti-social qualities have been winning the battle.

I all too often deny my problems and I guess coming here really makes me THINK about them. Also, because I know so many of you, I cannot be real honest about some of my issues because, well, although I like to share, there are some things that are just not appropriate for public information, just as there are some stories that cannot be told until they are finished. I suppose that my having the blahs of late only makes me want to hide from my crap more.

At times, I also feel like my blog is a big whinefest and self absorbed and it embarasses me a bit. I guess that is the intention of a blog though--It's a diary of sorts and who in the heck I am supposed to write about--my neighbour who is obsessed with having the shortest grass on the block? (I will tell you about him someday. Just think of him as Mr. Shortgrass for now.)

People like reading about others--or at least some do. A blog is the one opportunity where you can shamelessly rummage through someone else's head. Humans crave connections with others and I guess the people who enjoy reading blogs the most are the ones who feel a connection or can relate one way or another.

I will try my damnedest not to hide and to continue posting, even if they are short and sweet. Sweet is good.

Hope you like the new blog look!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Stop the Stigma!

Nothing bothers me more than stigmas and I am one of those truth freedom fighter people that your mom warned you about. I'm here today to educate people everywhere that Geminis (those born between May 21 and June 20)are not as bad as they are made out to be. Yes, today's topic is deep, like me!

I've finally found a little clip that doesn't paint a Gemini person in a bad way. Here it is:

Gemini is the sign of "communication" - you'll often find a disproportionate number of Gemini Suns in the telecommunication, publishing, public relations, radio and news fields. They make wonderful writers and commentators. These folks love to talk. The jokes and laughter fly by at a mile a minute, the influence of Mercury being strong in this sign. Gemini does take a bad rap from some astrologers for being shallow and vain, and sometimes they seem that way. But take another look, and you discover that they are so sensitive and easily hurt, that they learn to protect themselves by keeping intimacy at arms length. If you take the time, you'll find most Gemini natives are really quite deep - they are thinking all the time, after all. Gemini has been accused by some astrologers of being a fickle lover too, but you'll find no more interesting or engaging partner.
Ha, are you still reading or did I loose you at the mention of astrology?

I don't really think I'm all that talkative like most of these gemini articles indicate, unless we're talking about the talking that goes on in my head. There is A LOT of that going on.

Has anyone ever read the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz? Loved it. It's mostly about judging whether it's judging yourself, judging others or how others judge you. (a lot of judges in there huh?) Check it out and I promise you won't be disappointed. It is not a religious book because to me, organized religion is full of a lot of judging too. (but hey, that's just me!)

I need to stop judging myself. I get angry with myself very often and don't treat myself (both the inside and the outside me) the way I should. I'd prefer to be self medicated than to be with myself. Sheesh, I don't know why that is because I can be fun and entertaining at times! (insert yeehaw and a pill here)

Being an asshat aside, I need to stop punishing myself for things that are not true.

I disappoint me and other people disappoint me. I take what others do or say to heart when I shouldn't--the good and the bad stuff. I am way too flattered by compliments about my appearance because such things are not important. I can't control what others do or think. They are living in their own world which is controlled by their own beliefs, many of which are different from mine and, like mine, many of which are false. It doesn't matter. Love is all that matters--that's it.

I'm not talking about lovers and the like. I'm talking about the love that the inside you feels...not the physical you. I am talking about love for family, friends, myself, the world and Pluto too (you're still a planet to me dude!). If I can start with loving myself, the inside me, I am certain that the rest will just fall into place. It just makes sense.

This is a choppy post today and my apologies if you find it difficult to follow. I thought of rearranging it but then figured I would edit too much of it. I will leave it the way it came out.

Geminis unite! We are deep and introspective even!

Disclaimer: While I find astrology entertaining...fascinating even, I'm not one who lives her life by it.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

The Cliff Notes

Have you ever had a dream that you are hanging from a cliff by your fingers and they are griping and scraping through the rocks in your desperate attempt to hold on? And that in the dream and in your heart of hearts, you know you are going to fall and that trying to hold on is futile?

I quite often dream that I can fly too, but the damn power lines always get in the way.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Moving On

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

Friday, August 29, 2008

The Tits

Some of my favourite bloggers have been writing about things in their life that they think are THE TITS.

And no, sorry, I am not discussing my tits (although they are The Tits if I do say so myself!!). I am speaking of things that are The Tits for me. So, without further ado, here is my The Tits List:

1. First on the list has got to be the smell of my daughter.
Every morning, she hops into bed with me for our morning
cuddle and I stick my face in her hair and .... oh, pure bliss.

2. The rhythmic sound of my cat purring.

3. Those days when my hair goes just right.

4. Reading a book in a day because it was just too good to put down.

5. Butterflies

6. Going for a walk in the bush in Autumn

7. Having someone who doesn't really know me write to me and tell me that my blog has helped them and/or that they love my blog

8. A margarita (or four) made just right!

9. Unlimited lobster with garlic butter for everyone!! (oh ya baby!)

10. Talking for hours on the phone about absolutely nothing with a good friend.

Monday, August 25, 2008

And Sometimes.....

Sometimes I feel the way this tree looks and I struggle to get out of it.

My head knows that these things pass but knowing does not provide relief.

Most people only see what is on the outside, which frustrates me and relieves me at the same time.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Watch Me Soar

Firstly, I want to share with you a story that I recently read in a book called Awareness by Tony De Mello:

"A man found an eagle's egg and put it in a nest of a barnyard hen. The eaglet hatched with the brood of chicks and grew up with them. All his life the eagle did what the barnyard chicks did, thinking he was a barnyard chicken. He scratched the earth for worms and insects. He clucked and cackled. And he would thrash his wings and fly a few feet into the air.

Years passed and the eagle grew very old. One day he saw a magnificent bird above him in the cloudless sky. It glided in graceful majesty among the powerful wind currents, with scarcely a beat of its strong golden wings.

The old eagle looked up in awe. "Who's that?" he asked. "That's the eagle, the king of the birds," said his neighbor. "He belongs to the sky. We belong to the earth we're chickens."

So the eagle lived and died a chicken, for that's what he thought he was."

Ok, the book was all right. I took some ideas from it and left some ideas from it. But this story and what Tony De Mello talks about is so true.

We grow up being taught beliefs and being told who and what we are by our parents, teachers and others around us. Your beliefs are those thoughts caught up in that ceaseless chatter inside your head. But, some of the beliefs we've been told are simply not true. The challenge is changing these beliefs and/or letting go of them.

And the people that have put these beliefs upon you, they are not at fault. They are simply passing on what has been instilled in them as well. It is a cycle of passing on false beliefs.

People that are close to me know that my dad did not always treat me very well. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and sometimes physically abusive as well. When my mother passed away, I lost the person who protected me from him.

This is not to say that my father is a horrible man or a bad person. He did the best he could at the time and I know he loves us.

Around the age of 11, I began to be accused constantly of being on drugs. At that age, I didn't even know what "drugs" were and was more into riding my bike with my friends. At that point, I hadn't even been introduced to drugs. (but that was soon to follow!) It was frustrating as a child to try and tell him otherwise. I didn't understand where his paranoia was coming from.

My father also told me about birth control and his desire to put me on it when I was 11 years old--far too young to need to know about such things. What about respect for yourself, dignity and integrity?

During the rest of my teen years and into my early 20s, I was constantly told that I was a "slut", a "looser" and that I would be on "welfare" for the rest of my life. When you tell a child such things over and over, they believe it. Afterall, we grow up thinking that our parents are perfect and that they know best, right? I was the eagle thinking I was a chicken.

I remember in grade school, the boys thought I was a slut as well. There was no reason behind their beliefs. I hadn't even kissed a boy then and was, in fact, quite terrified at the thought of kissing any boy.

I will always remember a male friend of mine telling me about the time he asked a guy what I was like in grade school and the boy responded that I was a slut or some other derogatory name. I will always remember that because it hurt my feelings. (I will talk about my need to let things go and not take things personally in my next post.) Not one of those grade school boys calling me a slut had ever laid a hand on me or vice versa.

In my 20s, I did come to the realization that my father was wrong in his treatment of me. It was so wrong. But again, he did the best he could at the time. The love of his life had died and he was scared shitless to be stuck trying to raise two children. He fucked up just like we've all done a few times at the very least. Things are much better between us now.

The point of my telling you this is not to make my father look bad. It's simply my way of proclaiming to myself that what he said was not true. I don't need to spend the rest of my life trying to prove that he was wrong. His beliefs don't have to be mine. I should not be concerned about appearing as a "failure" in his eyes or anyone else's. I am the only person to whom I need to be accountable.

I am not a bad person or a "loser". This is a false belief that was instilled in me, and I need to let go of it, but re-training your brain and letting go of things is quite the task.

I am still a work in progress, and I do hope to be a work in progress for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


Hmmm, I love this song but it's a little

Thursday, July 10, 2008

My Word Cloud

Wordle is a toy for generating “word clouds” from text that you provide. I used all the text from my blog. The clouds give greater prominence to words that appear more frequently in the blog. Check out the words that stand out the most! You can click on the picture to make it bigger. Sheesh, what does that tell you/me.

Check out Wordle!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Have I Told You Lately that I Love You?

Because I do. I have a small group of people in my life that I love dearly. One of those dear friends lost his girlfriend recently. My heart has been hurting for him.

My mother died when I was 11. I was young--too young to understand. I couldn't imagine the pain of loosing someone I loved now, as an adult.

Anyways, I guess if something happened to me or to you, I would just want you to know how much you are appreciated and loved. Yo, I got your back even.

People come into your life for a reason. This, I've always believed but I've been thinking about it more lately. Putting the pieces together so to speak. I've met each one of you in my life for a reason:

You there sprawled in front of the computer, you have taught me that forgiveness is actually easier than being angry.
You have taught me the value of a real friend.
And you, I could not leave you out. Because of you, I notice such things as the wind brushing over my arm.
You have taught me about acceptance and tolerance.
I could go on and on but sometimes there are things that more than one of you have taught/gave me and I'd confuse you and myself.

My daughter must have heard something at school about being "born" to do something. She's mentioned a few times that she believes she was born to do crafts. She asked me the other day what I was born to do.

I told her that I hadn't quite figured it out yet and laughed at myself. Here I was, embarrassed to admit to a seven year old that that I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with my life or what I was "born" to do. But then, I thought one thing of which I was sure. I told her that I was "born" to be HER mom.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Note to Self

Wildberry coolers are for sipping. Do not exceed three or four.

PS - Wildberry vomit looks like blood.

Monday, June 9, 2008

The Cowardly Lion

There are things in my life that I need to get straight and yet, I avoid them. I have asked others for advice or answers and I get the same response, "Only you can decide" and "Only you truly know what you want."

I realize that this is my decision, but I suppose that I want to put the responsibility on someone else and have them make the decision for me. Ugh, I frustrate myself with my cowardness.

I think I use the excuse that I am not sure what I want so that I can avoid making that decision and following through. Deep down, I do know what I want but change, or the unknown, scares me so I am constantly second guessing myself. And the change I want to make affects so many people which only adds more uncertainty and scares me more.

All too often, I feel like I am running in a hamster wheel. It seems like this is the way it is both in trying to keep my house clean and trying to live my life. I'm running and I'm not getting anywhere.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I Think I Hear Them Calling

Sunday was a day of rest and relaxation for me. I decided to go out and get a good chick flick and spend my evening sprawled out on the couch.

I rented the movie "The Notebook". And oh, I cried. It was just a beautiful love story about two people in with this passion for one another. Do I think a love like this exists? Meh, I don't know. I think that love can feel that way at times but it's not realistic to think that this can last. Or is it?

Have you ever been so attracted to someone that you just wish you could devour them? Ya ok, wait, I don't mean eat them (necessarily). Have you ever felt like you just wanted your body to meld with someone else's while you are laying there in their arms? I don't just mean this in a sexual way. I'm dreaming about intimacy and love.

I know and I'm sorry. This movie just got under my skin. I'm a sap.

Truth is, I've been thinking about this post for a couple of days now. I had it pretty much written in my head. Sitting here now, I can't find it.

Until next time.

Monday, May 12, 2008

My Guidance Reading

Hi Crystal,

I think it's been almost a week since you sent me my reading. Every day, I read it to remind myself.

I loved it. A lot of the things you mentioned are things my head already's just a matter of getting the heart to follow along. Or is it the other way around? I don't know...

I like your beliefs and your views about God. For me, there is always this nasty little voice in the back of my head that tells me that God is not real and that he/she is a comfort that we've made up to make ourselves feel better about life and death. I want to believe, but there are doubts since I started telling myself there was no God after my mother died when I was eleven. I am a work in progress.

Anyways, I just wanted to send a quick note to say thank you, I'm impressed and that I've been recommending you to some of my friends.


Check out Crystal at Innerstep.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Smiling on the Inside

So what makes you smile on the inside? This is something I'm going to be attempting to figure out in the next little bit....just what makes me happy inside. This brings me to my story.

I have a confession of sorts:

I am a Northern Ontario resident and have been for my entire 36 years. I have never seen a moose on the side of the highway. For those of you not very familiar with Ontario, this is a very rare thing.

I've seen dead moose from my father's hunting days and I've seen moose in the zoo. I've seen horses, raccoons, deer, turtles, rabbits, you name it but I had never seen a moose standing there on the road UNTIL THIS WEEK!!

I was driving through some backroads of a little town called Astorville at around 11 pm. I wasn't going very fast since there are tons of deer on this road. Looking ahead, I saw what I first thought were two deer until I got closer.

I was in the truck driving slowly behind them and they just kept walking in front of me at this leisurely pace. My moose friends and I carried on for about two minutes before they decided to head back into the bush.

I waited 36 years for this. It made me smile.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I Knew His Offer was Way Too Low

I have an amusing story to tell.

I was once offered $80 to have sex with someone that I had never met.

I was a little insulted by this offer and thought I was surely worth a three-digit number at the very least!!!

In my defense, this ummmm...person/slug didn't know me and has never seen me. He was just some internet schmuck who randomly sends out messages to women. Surely, if he had met me, his offer would have been much better.... I know, my modesty is underwhelming.

After completing the following quiz, I feel redeemed. Now this quiz is accurate and all knowing. Just as I suspected, I'm worth the price of a discounted high-priced call girl!! In fact, I'm worth MORE in bed than the average ($232.19) person taking this quiz!

You got that? If you want a piece of me, the going rate is $1,148 per hour. Tips (15-20%) are also appreciated and expected.

How much are you worth?

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Friday, March 28, 2008

Advice Based on Someone's Own Meandering Experiences

Lyrics to "Everybody is free to wear sunscreen"
by Baz Luhrman

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97,

Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis or reliable then my own meandering experience. I will dispense this

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, nevermind, you won't understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded, but trust me in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind: the kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.


Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.


Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive; forget the insults. (if you succeed in doing this, tell me how).

Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.


Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of Calcium. Be kind to your knees -- you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40; maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body: use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it; it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance...even if you have no where to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions (even if you don't follow them).

Do not read beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents; you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings: they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but what a precious few should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps and geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.


Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old; and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you are 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia; dispensing it is a way of wishing the past from the disposal--wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me, I'm the sunscreen.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Anybody Out There?

Me, myself and I.

Is this day over yet?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


Spring is in the air. Ok, it's a cold fucking air but I can feel it nonetheless. My desktop weather icon shows that it's -13 C (-2F) today BUT the sun is shining and there is not a cloud in the sky.

I'm looking forward to getting outside and feeling the sun on my face again. I'm looking forward to seeing my tulips budding through the soil. I'm looking forward to watching Hailey draw chalk pictures on the driveway.

It seems I only come to this blog to complain about things but there is a lot for which I am grateful. I look forward.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

My Scrambled Thoughts

I have never really had to work hard for anything and I'm ashamed to admit this, but it is true. I suppose I am spoiled and lucky because things have always come easily to me. Does it mean I'm not capable of working for and chasing after something? Am I the kind of person who can be counted on? The person I want to be is loving, strong and full of integrity.

It's funny because in some ways I am so strong and yet in others, I am such a coward. In some ways, I am one of the most passionate people I know and yet in other ways, I cannot seem to muster the passion to go after what I truly want. It frustrates me to no end which just seems to snowball the whole situation.

I want the people that I love to have complete faith in my love for them, to know that I will be there for them and to know of my utter devotion. I want to have this same blind faith, but I do not do well with allowing people to get too close to me.

I have a real hard time trusting in anyone, especially men. I think I've always felt that another's love is conditional and that it will/could end abruptly. I carry the hurt, distrust and spite from those who have hurt me. It's not just about the exes in my life, it's about all men, including my father and brother.

Perhaps I'm laying my mistrust issues on men because I simply haven't been as close with women. I have no female relatives that I would consider close and while I'm not against fucking another woman, I'll never have an intimate relationship with one, so for me, there just aren't the same expectations.

Can you follow this? My scattered thoughts are jumping about making me into a rambling, lazy but loving mistrustful coward. Forgive me, I'm just purging as it comes to my head.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Like a Festering Ball with Spikey Things On It

Today, I need to talk about anxiety.

I have it. It's in my chest and in my stomach, and I think I can even feel it flowing through some of my fingers.

I wish that I knew of a way in which I could just switch my thoughts off for a little while as it's tiresome to have the same thoughts flowing throughout over and again. My head needs a vacation where I can just turn things OFF and just be.

I want to float without feeling weighed down.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


For as long as I can remember, I have carried around anger. I'm quite certain that this anger is displaced and not sure whether this anger is even directed at someone or something that is real.

Back when I was 11 years old, I blamed God for my mother's death. It was perfect and convenient. It worked for me at the time. It was ALL.HIS.FAULT.

God never stopped by to tell me that it wasn't his fault. He never denied it once. It just worked for me to blame him.

It doesn't work for me anymore.

Carrying anger or hate for anyone sucks away your energy and your happiness with life. This I know and I've always tried my damnedest not to carry hate for anyone, except God. I've always tried, albeit not always successfully, to empathize and understand just why people do what they do and why they treat others like crap, except God.

So, that is where I stand at this point in my quest for contentment. I have come to realize that God, whether he/she is real or not, is not where my anger should be placed. I just need to let it go. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

There are a select few bloggers that I give credit for helping me find my way in life. They have no idea who the heck I am and no idea how much they have had an impact on my life by giving me hope.

Crystal, you inspire!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008


I've been taking my medication as of late. Enough time has passed so that I am feeling a little more balanced.

My moods are settling so that they are not quite as extreme. When I was angry, I was very angry and when I felt sad, it overcame me. I can actually come to work and stay focused on the job at hand. No more thoughts dancing about in my head and bumping into each other.

In some ways, I miss me, the up and down me. But I do realize that I can function better as a mom, employee, friend when I am medicated.

I Stole this Comment from Someone's Blog

You know, I think penis size is for men as being “pretty” (read also: hot/beautiful/sexy) is for women. You think it’s fucking everything, until you’ve been alone long enough to find out that it isn’t.


Thursday, January 17, 2008

Watching You

All right Beemer Dude, every day, I see your car parked askew in the parking lot. Apparently, you are intelligent enough to go out and make enough money to buy this nice car, however you are not bright enough to park it properly.

Each day, I pull in the parking lot and see that car. It irks me. I think of ways to make you pay every time I see your car there.

Yes, I'm the one. I'm the one who has put notes on your car and wrote "idiot" in the snow on your windshield.

I'm watching you.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I am Alive!

Yes, I am still alive and my busy brain is still overflowing with thoughts and wanderings. I have a hard time concentrating on things because of this busy brain of mine. I do at times wonder if I have obsessive-compulsive disorder.

My new Flip Video has arrived and I am still interested in getting into video blogs. Stay tuned! I've been busy attempting to learn how to edit my mini-movies. Once I master it, look out world! We'll be getting a little more up close and personal.

My Christmas holidays were great! My Girl was so excited! She was actually impressed with the number of gifts Santa had brought her and commented that she must have been a very good girl this year. I thought this was great. Last year, after ripping all her gifts open, she was looking for more!!

We spent a quiet New Years' Eve at home with our friends and their family. This is common for us. I'm not really big on New Years' and don't like this holiday much....not sure why but I never did like it. Something about celebrating the year that has past or celebrating a new one depresses the hell out of me. I also don't like to be kissed or hugged at midnight by people. Don't get me wrong, I am very affectionate with my partner and child. It's just that I am not comfortable with having people I am not close to in my bubble. I guess I am not the huggy/kissy type.

I have to say that I am starting to wonder just what it'll take to get some of you readers to leave a comment for me. I know that you people are reading this blog thanks to my web page counter. So come on, leave me a comment and tell me what you think! You can do it anonymously even! No one will know it's you unless you identify yourself. Just click the anonymous circle or give yourself a nickname. On the other blogs I read, I notice that more comments are made when the topic is sex. Is that what y'all are holding out for?

Thursday, January 3, 2008


Back in the days
I use to dream of being rich
Have a lot of houses and cars
Couldn’t know which one was which
And finding me a chick and getting hitched
Living the fairy tale life perfect witout a ditch
You think that this would bring me happiness
If at the end of every rainbow there was a treasure chest
Sometimes having more is really less
So take a look inside yourself
You’ll realize you’re really blessed
No matter how inside you’re blue
There’s always someone who has it worse than you
Sometimes you gotta pay your dues
So don’t worry just push on through