Friday, February 29, 2008

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Like a Festering Ball with Spikey Things On It

Today, I need to talk about anxiety.

I have it. It's in my chest and in my stomach, and I think I can even feel it flowing through some of my fingers.

I wish that I knew of a way in which I could just switch my thoughts off for a little while as it's tiresome to have the same thoughts flowing throughout over and again. My head needs a vacation where I can just turn things OFF and just be.

I want to float without feeling weighed down.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


For as long as I can remember, I have carried around anger. I'm quite certain that this anger is displaced and not sure whether this anger is even directed at someone or something that is real.

Back when I was 11 years old, I blamed God for my mother's death. It was perfect and convenient. It worked for me at the time. It was ALL.HIS.FAULT.

God never stopped by to tell me that it wasn't his fault. He never denied it once. It just worked for me to blame him.

It doesn't work for me anymore.

Carrying anger or hate for anyone sucks away your energy and your happiness with life. This I know and I've always tried my damnedest not to carry hate for anyone, except God. I've always tried, albeit not always successfully, to empathize and understand just why people do what they do and why they treat others like crap, except God.

So, that is where I stand at this point in my quest for contentment. I have come to realize that God, whether he/she is real or not, is not where my anger should be placed. I just need to let it go. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

There are a select few bloggers that I give credit for helping me find my way in life. They have no idea who the heck I am and no idea how much they have had an impact on my life by giving me hope.

Crystal, you inspire!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008


I've been taking my medication as of late. Enough time has passed so that I am feeling a little more balanced.

My moods are settling so that they are not quite as extreme. When I was angry, I was very angry and when I felt sad, it overcame me. I can actually come to work and stay focused on the job at hand. No more thoughts dancing about in my head and bumping into each other.

In some ways, I miss me, the up and down me. But I do realize that I can function better as a mom, employee, friend when I am medicated.

I Stole this Comment from Someone's Blog

You know, I think penis size is for men as being “pretty” (read also: hot/beautiful/sexy) is for women. You think it’s fucking everything, until you’ve been alone long enough to find out that it isn’t.