Questions?

This past weekend, a student who worked in our office was killed in a car accident. I didn't know her all that well as we didn't have many dealings with each other but from what I saw and knew, she was a young bright girl with a future to which she could look forward.

I'm not sure why, but I pondered her death for days after it occurred. I couldn't help but wonder how she felt that day and if she felt any different. You know those days when you feel strangely detached from yourself? I just wonder if maybe she felt a little off, you know, that in some way, fate was giving her a little hint as to what was to come.

Do you know that these things are going to happen to you beforehand but perhaps it's all subconscious and you don't recognize it for what it is? Do your thoughts just end right there? Does your "soul" continuing thinking? If so, does your soul even know the body is dead?

Yes, I have a strange fascination with death.

I came across a post that impressed me the other day. Ha, it impressed me so much that I proceeded to forward the link to it to every female in my office with the hopes of instilling the author's wisdom upon them. Alas, not one of them seemed to appreciate it.

May I just say that it frustrates me to no end that people don't really seem to care about "things" and when I say things, I mean everything. Why don't more people care about what Bush is doing to this world, about the shallowness that is being taught to our children, about the importance of lasting friendships and about just trying to be the best person you can be?

Really, is that too much to ask?

Nothing but Love

I'm going to let you in on a plan I have.

I want to try and do a Vlog post. Sometimes I have silly things to spew. Rather than me writing, I will talk and record a video and upload it here. No fears, it will be short and sweet because it'll be my first. If you're into vlogs, check out Crystal's. She's fantastic.

Today feels like winter, thus bringing us closer to Christmas, my favourite holiday. I am like a child when it comes to Christmas. It's just a happy time for me. While I don't consider myself all that close with my family, Christmas reminds me of how much I appreciate them.

In October, I attended my high school reunion. It was wonderful to be with people I consider my closest friends all at once. While we may not see each other very often anymore, we still have a fantastic bond. We all know our little idiosyncrasies, good and bad, and yet still love each other despite them. I consider myself fortunate to have made friends like that. No, I didn't get drunk and tell all about my love for them...maybe next time.

Motherful

I rarely think of my future. I don't like making plans for more than a week in advance and will avoid it at all costs. I cannot envision myself in my 40s, 50s, etc.

I suspect this comes from having my mother die at an early age. I was 11 and she was 36-years-old when she got sick and died. I am now 35.

A mother is that person who models what being a female, a wife and a mother is about. While my mom was with me during the majority of my formative years, I still feel like I missed out on her being a real role model for me. I cannot envision myself as an older woman because I never really got the chance to observe my mom's growing old. I didn't get to "see" by her example. When dealing with my daughter, I cannot say to myself, "What would Mom have done?"

I am getting very close and soon will pass the age that my mom was when she died. This is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. I cannot imagine how she would have felt to know that she was going to die and to know that she was not going to be able to see my brother and I grow up. Panic....fear.....love.....anger....there must have been a jumble of feelings racing about in her head.

Being a mom has made me feel closer to my mom. I feel like I could relate to her now. Odd that I would feel closer to her now since so many years have passed.