Tuesday, November 20, 2007


I rarely think of my future. I don't like making plans for more than a week in advance and will avoid it at all costs. I cannot envision myself in my 40s, 50s, etc.

I suspect this comes from having my mother die at an early age. I was 11 and she was 36-years-old when she got sick and died. I am now 35.

A mother is that person who models what being a female, a wife and a mother is about. While my mom was with me during the majority of my formative years, I still feel like I missed out on her being a real role model for me. I cannot envision myself as an older woman because I never really got the chance to observe my mom's growing old. I didn't get to "see" by her example. When dealing with my daughter, I cannot say to myself, "What would Mom have done?"

I am getting very close and soon will pass the age that my mom was when she died. This is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. I cannot imagine how she would have felt to know that she was going to die and to know that she was not going to be able to see my brother and I grow up. Panic....fear.....love.....anger....there must have been a jumble of feelings racing about in her head.

Being a mom has made me feel closer to my mom. I feel like I could relate to her now. Odd that I would feel closer to her now since so many years have passed.

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