Monday, December 17, 2007

What Colour is Your Passion?

Your Passion is Yellow

You're a total sexual shape shifter.
You possess a complex sex drive and are very adaptable.
Of all the colors, you are the most likely to be bisexual.
While you the most passionate, you are very open minded.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Not the Only One

I was in a daze, movin' in the wrong direction
Feelin' that I'd always be the lonely one
Then I saw your face, on the edge of my horizon
Whisperin' that I wasn't the only one
The lonely one
Once chance intervention, see what it can signify
The slightest misapprehension, baby
And we'd have passed each other by
When I heard your sweet voice callin'
Saw your light come shinin' through
I couldn't stop my heart from turning
Churnin' out my love for you, my love to you
I was in a daze, movin' in the wrong direction
Feelin' that I'd always be the lonely one
Then I saw you face, on the edge of my horizon
Whisperin' that I wasn't the only one
The lonely one
True love or perfection
It seems like it's overdue
Then just when you least expect it
It comes sneakin' up on you
When I thought that I was dreaming
Felt your body close to mine
Now love takes on a different meaning
Together till the end of time
I was in a daze, movin' in the wrong direction
Feelin' that I'd always be the lonely one
Then I saw you face, on the edge of my horizon
Whisperin' that I wasn't the only one
The lonely one
I was in a daze, movin' in the wrong direction
Feelin' that I'd always be the lonely one
When I saw your face through the web of my confusion
Whisperin' that I wasn't the only one
The lonely one

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Go Ahead, Ask Me Why

I'm quite certain that some of you who may read this blog wonder why the hell I am spewing my personal thoughts online for all to read. I know this because I can imagine that A LOT of people that I know are not familiar with blogging and are only coming here by following the link from my Facebook profile.

At the same time, I know that there are fellow bloggers out there reading this who are fully understanding about this need to connect, to share, to rant.

My need to connect is all about that self-realizing light-bulb moment, "Holy fuck, I feel that way too! I'm not the only one!!" It's something I've never truly experienced as an adult, until I started meeting online friends.

I don't know what this says about my real-life friends. It in no way means that they aren't good friends or good people. It's just that they aren't so much into sharing thoughts and/or feelings so much as me. I've always been too willing to share a little too much information. Perhaps I crave attention so much that I'll reach out to whomever may be listening or perhaps I have no shame. I don't know.

I guess I just look at it like, "This is me. Take me as I am." I have faults, and, in fact, I'm kind of proud of my faults at times. It's what makes me my quirky and sexy/nerdy self (simply had to throw the sexy in there!).

I have issues with depression. There are times, like when I'm not medicated, that I can feel it running through my body. Depression is not easy to describe or perhaps I'm not quite skilled enough with my writing to articulate the feelings just yet. It is like a huge loneliness and sadness that envelops the mind. Yes, I may be lonely but the thought of being around people, smiling and happy people at that, can be pure torture, so I wallow in the darkness finding various methods to medicate or to escape reality so that I can function and so that no one really knows.

At the same time, I have responsibilities and I am responsible if nothing else. I am a mom and an employee. I have a house that needs cleaning and clothes that need to be washed. Each day, I get up and go through the motions when I would truly just love to curl up in a ball in my room with nothing but silence and my cat.

Life goes on and so do I. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that reading blogs and blogging allows me to connect - to understand and be understood. I need that.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007


This past weekend, a student who worked in our office was killed in a car accident. I didn't know her all that well as we didn't have many dealings with each other but from what I saw and knew, she was a young bright girl with a future to which she could look forward.

I'm not sure why, but I pondered her death for days after it occurred. I couldn't help but wonder how she felt that day and if she felt any different. You know those days when you feel strangely detached from yourself? I just wonder if maybe she felt a little off, you know, that in some way, fate was giving her a little hint as to what was to come.

Do you know that these things are going to happen to you beforehand but perhaps it's all subconscious and you don't recognize it for what it is? Do your thoughts just end right there? Does your "soul" continuing thinking? If so, does your soul even know the body is dead?

Yes, I have a strange fascination with death.

I came across a post that impressed me the other day. Ha, it impressed me so much that I proceeded to forward the link to it to every female in my office with the hopes of instilling the author's wisdom upon them. Alas, not one of them seemed to appreciate it.

May I just say that it frustrates me to no end that people don't really seem to care about "things" and when I say things, I mean everything. Why don't more people care about what Bush is doing to this world, about the shallowness that is being taught to our children, about the importance of lasting friendships and about just trying to be the best person you can be?

Really, is that too much to ask?

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Nothing but Love

I'm going to let you in on a plan I have.

I want to try and do a Vlog post. Sometimes I have silly things to spew. Rather than me writing, I will talk and record a video and upload it here. No fears, it will be short and sweet because it'll be my first. If you're into vlogs, check out Crystal's. She's fantastic.

Today feels like winter, thus bringing us closer to Christmas, my favourite holiday. I am like a child when it comes to Christmas. It's just a happy time for me. While I don't consider myself all that close with my family, Christmas reminds me of how much I appreciate them.

In October, I attended my high school reunion. It was wonderful to be with people I consider my closest friends all at once. While we may not see each other very often anymore, we still have a fantastic bond. We all know our little idiosyncrasies, good and bad, and yet still love each other despite them. I consider myself fortunate to have made friends like that. No, I didn't get drunk and tell all about my love for them...maybe next time.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


I rarely think of my future. I don't like making plans for more than a week in advance and will avoid it at all costs. I cannot envision myself in my 40s, 50s, etc.

I suspect this comes from having my mother die at an early age. I was 11 and she was 36-years-old when she got sick and died. I am now 35.

A mother is that person who models what being a female, a wife and a mother is about. While my mom was with me during the majority of my formative years, I still feel like I missed out on her being a real role model for me. I cannot envision myself as an older woman because I never really got the chance to observe my mom's growing old. I didn't get to "see" by her example. When dealing with my daughter, I cannot say to myself, "What would Mom have done?"

I am getting very close and soon will pass the age that my mom was when she died. This is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. I cannot imagine how she would have felt to know that she was going to die and to know that she was not going to be able to see my brother and I grow up. must have been a jumble of feelings racing about in her head.

Being a mom has made me feel closer to my mom. I feel like I could relate to her now. Odd that I would feel closer to her now since so many years have passed.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The Green Green Grass of Home

For three or four years, I have waited for my unhappiness to pass and yet it is still here nagging me.

I used to think that my discontentment was the result of living here in the Bay, missing my friends and family, etc. It seemed odd to me because so many people are able to move away and start new lives and make new friends. I often ask myself why I can't just be happy with what I have. I am the Master of Denial and sometimes surmise that my expections are too high and that the grass is not, in fact, greener.

It doesn't matter how I spin it, how much I try to avoid and deny it, I am still lonely.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Closet Rebel Mom

Hey, did you see me today? I was the "soccer mom" in the car beside you at the traffic lights.

No Silly, not the one in the van.

I was the one singing/screaming along with Eminem with my car windows down...

You can call me Slim Mom Shady. I'm down with that.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Indeed My Girl, Indeed

My daughter has a kind heart and an old soul. There are times when I am so in awe of her. I don't think it is just her innocence that makes her the way she is. Like any mother I'm sure, I think that she is special.

The other day, we were driving down the street, she looked out the window with a sigh and said, "Mummy, isn't it a beautiful world?"

The subtle reminder was just what I'd been needing. I've been cranky and impatient this week. I am the one who is supposed to be pointing these things out to her and yet, there she was, reminding me to stop and smell the roses.

Here we go into another weekend. Time flies.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Tread Lightly

Anger fear sadness
I can feel it running through my veins
I have no way to get it out
I don't know how to get it out

I never thought I would have to feel that way again

My trust is not something I give away freely
I was warned and yet I did it anyways

I need to find some middle ground

Monday, October 15, 2007

Maddy & Me

In some ways, I wish I had kept this blog anonymous. I feel like I need to say things and I simply can't because some of you know me. But, the cryptic route just may add a little more intrigue and excitement for both you and me.

I knew this merge thing wasn't going to be easy. It's like I'm going up this huge fucking hill and so far, I'm only about a quarter of the way up it. I'm still not sure what's going to be at the top, but I really want to get there anyways. No one said it was going to be easy. Funny, no one said anything.

Maddy has helped me in ways I don't think very many would understand. Through her, I saw things that I wanted in my life. Through her, I also saw what I didn't want in my life. She even helped me remember things about myself that I had thought were long gone. Thank you Madison! It has been a wild ride.

It's not a sacrifice you are making. It's a farce.

Time to live.

Friday, September 28, 2007

CHEM 101

Chemistry. You cannot define it and you cannot deny it. It is an inexplicable feeling of being drawn to someone.

My therapist and I have been talking about chemistry and how important it is to relationships so it has been on my mind as of late. It is not necessarily about how a person looks as you can have two outwardly equal beautiful people, yet there will be one towards whom you will feel MORE drawn. Their smell, their touch and all those yummy non-visible senses come into play with chemistry.

Notice that I use the word "outwardly" when referring to someone who looks good. I think it's a shame that we call people who look good "beautiful". I don't feel that someone who simply looks good deserves to be called beautiful. Beauty makes me think of someone as a whole...inside and outside.....and there are far too many aesthetically pleasing asses out there.

There is beauty or a peacefulness you can see in a person who feels comfortable in their skin and with themselves. This person is not threatened by the beliefs of others. They are confident in what they believe themselves to be. To be honest, I don't think I've known anyone who has completely attained this inner peace but to me, inner peace is a goal well-worth chasing.

Chemistry and peace, keep coming my way.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

What Comes Around Goes Around

It's been awhile since I've posted. No, I haven't lost interest in this blog already and am constantly throwing thoughts and stories around in my head with the hopes of adding it to my blog later. That being said, here is one little thought process that bounces around in my head all too often!

I think about karma A LOT. I tell others that my religion is a simple one: What Comes Around Goes Around. The truth is that I have this fear that I will pay for the things I've done wrong in my life. I'm not a malicious person out to cause harm to others, however, I know that I've done things that I would not forgive had it been done to me and this eats away at me.

At the same time, I think my karma fear has helped me to be a better person. I feel like I need to make amends to somewhat make RIGHT what I have done wrong. My silly little hope is that all my rights will outweigh the wrongs in the grand scheme of things.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Oh My

This is a new endeavour for me. I've been an avid reader/lurker of many-a-blog for some time now however writing things, feelings, experiences that others will read is new to me. It appeals to me for some unknown reason and yet being judged as a result of what or how I write is something that holds me back.

I guess that is one of my goals in writing this blog. I have this compulsion to express myself and discuss, and this seems to be a good outlet. Ha, who I am's my only outlet!

I received a comment today on one of my posts and was rather shocked and humbled to see that it was one of my favourite bloggers, Neil, from Citizen of the Month. This man is truly entertaining and a superb writer, and I have to admit that I'm embarrassed for him to have read my amateur ramblings, but HOLY F#CK, how cool is that? I've been cracking up on his conversations with his penis for some time. He's like a celebrity in my eyes!

Blogging and reading blogs is a different world for some. It allows one to anonymously pry into the thoughts of a willing subject. It feeds that inquisitive need. My experience is that it can be therapeutic in knowing that you are not the only one with insecurities and flaws.

It gives me solace to know that there are real people out there trying to find themselves as well.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Keith Olbermann

I'm fascinated by US politics. It's like a train wreck, and I can't look away.Loving this news clip by this guy named Keith Olbermann at MSNBC News. It is unusual to find honest and real US news coverage. They don't see the coffins coming home on their news channels like we do.

Monday, June 4, 2007


I'm at home today having what I refer to fondly as, "A Mental Health Day". The day basically consists of me doing as little as possible. I did, however, throw two pillows in the washing machine because they were looking rather yellow to me.About 10 minutes into the wash, the machine started that loud banging sound that it makes when an unbalanced load is present. Me, ever the opportunist, took this chance to see if what I've heard is true. That's right, I hopped right up there and sat on the washing machine.Let me disspell the rumors and urban legends right here and now. The washing machine will do nothing for you but wash your clothes.

I have a dilemma and seek the assistance of whomever is: 1) bored enough to have stumbled across this note in the first place, and 2) bored enough to still be reading this note.I have a hummingbird feeder in my front window. Pretty little hummingbirds visit it continuously throughout the day. I've been putting this feeder up for years but this year has seen the most visitors yet. The little guys have practically drained all the juice from the feeder already and we're only a month into spring. This juice was the store-bought kind, so this time, I considered making my own juice. It's just sugar water and food colouring right?

This is when I really started thinking. What was in the store-bought juice? Is it food colouring? My pause for concern is that this red food colouring must make the little guys pee red no? I don't want to freak them out by adding red food colouring if this is not the norm for them. If my pee suddenly turned red, I would surely be disturbed...

I guess I'm just throwing this out there to see if anyone has experience with hummingbird juice. Please feel free to share your insights.

Saturday, January 6, 2007

20 Things about Me - A work in progress

1. I have this appreciation for raw/real people who don't really give a sh*t about what others think. To clarify, I'm not talking about people who have no regard for others but those people who are comfortable with themselves and can admit to both their positive and negative attributes. Keep it real baby!

2. I love to read and have been known to become engrossed in a a few shampoo bottles in my day.... (ah yes, bathroom reading at its best)

3. I have a crush on Rosie O'Donnell & get really annoyed when people insult her appearance or views. See #1 and #6 for some understanding.

4. Men who "notice" me now but didn't seem to "notice" me 20 lbs ago are a HUGE annoyance to me. I am still HOT regardless of my weight.

5. Being a great mom is one of my proudest accomplishments.

6. I'm bi-sexual. Although somewhat irrelevant now since I'm married (to a man), it is a part of me.

7. I may forgive but I never forget.

8. I am the most spiteful person I know.

9. I'm leery that #6 was too revealing.

10. I think I feel lonely more often than I should.

11. My favourite feature on myself is my eyes. True green eyes aren't all that common....

12. My life as a blonde has been more fun.

13. My favourite "pet" name is "Kitten".

14. I've been IN LOVE 3 times in my life.

15. But none of these loves will ever live up to what I feel for my daughter....

16. I think about my mother every day.

17. Just typing that brought me to tears. I'm getting emotional in my older years.

18. I'm not surprised at how easy it was to come up with twenty things about me. I'm vain.

19. I’m a feminist. My feminism is about letting women decide for themselves.

20. I have an irrational fear of bees. Oh yes, I've been stung a couple times and I know it hurts, but I've given birth! Albeit, it was a cesarean birth but it still hurt! Whenever a bee comes within my space, I panic. Oh yes, I do try to hide this bee-anxiety but the need to run overcomes me every time. Nipple clamps, now they would hurt too, but I don't freak out and run when I see them.

Not that I've seen nipple clamps as of late, but I was looking at a roach clip earlier today and thinking about nipple clamps thereby mentioning it in this post.