Thursday, December 13, 2007

Go Ahead, Ask Me Why

I'm quite certain that some of you who may read this blog wonder why the hell I am spewing my personal thoughts online for all to read. I know this because I can imagine that A LOT of people that I know are not familiar with blogging and are only coming here by following the link from my Facebook profile.

At the same time, I know that there are fellow bloggers out there reading this who are fully understanding about this need to connect, to share, to rant.

My need to connect is all about that self-realizing light-bulb moment, "Holy fuck, I feel that way too! I'm not the only one!!" It's something I've never truly experienced as an adult, until I started meeting online friends.

I don't know what this says about my real-life friends. It in no way means that they aren't good friends or good people. It's just that they aren't so much into sharing thoughts and/or feelings so much as me. I've always been too willing to share a little too much information. Perhaps I crave attention so much that I'll reach out to whomever may be listening or perhaps I have no shame. I don't know.

I guess I just look at it like, "This is me. Take me as I am." I have faults, and, in fact, I'm kind of proud of my faults at times. It's what makes me my quirky and sexy/nerdy self (simply had to throw the sexy in there!).

I have issues with depression. There are times, like when I'm not medicated, that I can feel it running through my body. Depression is not easy to describe or perhaps I'm not quite skilled enough with my writing to articulate the feelings just yet. It is like a huge loneliness and sadness that envelops the mind. Yes, I may be lonely but the thought of being around people, smiling and happy people at that, can be pure torture, so I wallow in the darkness finding various methods to medicate or to escape reality so that I can function and so that no one really knows.

At the same time, I have responsibilities and I am responsible if nothing else. I am a mom and an employee. I have a house that needs cleaning and clothes that need to be washed. Each day, I get up and go through the motions when I would truly just love to curl up in a ball in my room with nothing but silence and my cat.

Life goes on and so do I. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that reading blogs and blogging allows me to connect - to understand and be understood. I need that.

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