Wednesday, March 5, 2008

My Scrambled Thoughts

I have never really had to work hard for anything and I'm ashamed to admit this, but it is true. I suppose I am spoiled and lucky because things have always come easily to me. Does it mean I'm not capable of working for and chasing after something? Am I the kind of person who can be counted on? The person I want to be is loving, strong and full of integrity.

It's funny because in some ways I am so strong and yet in others, I am such a coward. In some ways, I am one of the most passionate people I know and yet in other ways, I cannot seem to muster the passion to go after what I truly want. It frustrates me to no end which just seems to snowball the whole situation.

I want the people that I love to have complete faith in my love for them, to know that I will be there for them and to know of my utter devotion. I want to have this same blind faith, but I do not do well with allowing people to get too close to me.

I have a real hard time trusting in anyone, especially men. I think I've always felt that another's love is conditional and that it will/could end abruptly. I carry the hurt, distrust and spite from those who have hurt me. It's not just about the exes in my life, it's about all men, including my father and brother.

Perhaps I'm laying my mistrust issues on men because I simply haven't been as close with women. I have no female relatives that I would consider close and while I'm not against fucking another woman, I'll never have an intimate relationship with one, so for me, there just aren't the same expectations.

Can you follow this? My scattered thoughts are jumping about making me into a rambling, lazy but loving mistrustful coward. Forgive me, I'm just purging as it comes to my head.

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