What Colour is Your Passion?

Your Passion is Yellow

You're a total sexual shape shifter. You possess a complex sex drive and are very adaptable. Of all the colors, you are the most likely to be bisexual. While you the most passionate, you are very open minded.

What Color Is Your Passion?

Not the Only One

I was in a daze, movin' in the wrong direction
Feelin' that I'd always be the lonely one
Then I saw your face, on the edge of my horizon
Whisperin' that I wasn't the only one
The lonely one
Once chance intervention, see what it can signify
The slightest misapprehension, baby
And we'd have passed each other by
When I heard your sweet voice callin'
Saw your light come shinin' through
I couldn't stop my heart from turning
Churnin' out my love for you, my love to you
I was in a daze, movin' in the wrong direction
Feelin' that I'd always be the lonely one
Then I saw you face, on the edge of my horizon
Whisperin' that I wasn't the only one
The lonely one
True love or perfection
It seems like it's overdue
Then just when you least expect it
It comes sneakin' up on you
When I thought that I was dreaming
Felt your body close to mine
Now love takes on a different meaning
Together till the end of time
I was in a daze, movin' in the wrong direction
Feelin' that I'd always be the lonely one
Then I saw you face, on the edge of my horizon
Whisperin' that I wasn't the only one
The lonely one
I was in a daze, movin' in the wrong direction
Feelin' that I'd always be the lonely one
When I saw your face through the web of my confusion
Whisperin' that I wasn't the only one
The lonely one

Go Ahead, Ask Me Why

I'm quite certain that some of you who may read this blog wonder why the hell I am spewing my personal thoughts online for all to read. I know this because I can imagine that A LOT of people that I know are not familiar with blogging and are only coming here by following the link from my Facebook profile.

At the same time, I know that there are fellow bloggers out there reading this who are fully understanding about this need to connect, to share, to rant.

My need to connect is all about that self-realizing light-bulb moment, "Holy fuck, I feel that way too! I'm not the only one!!" It's something I've never truly experienced as an adult, until I started meeting online friends.

I don't know what this says about my real-life friends. It in no way means that they aren't good friends or good people. It's just that they aren't so much into sharing thoughts and/or feelings so much as me. I've always been too willing to share a little too much information. Perhaps I crave attention so much that I'll reach out to whomever may be listening or perhaps I have no shame. I don't know.

I guess I just look at it like, "This is me. Take me as I am." I have faults, and, in fact, I'm kind of proud of my faults at times. It's what makes me my quirky and sexy/nerdy self (simply had to throw the sexy in there!).

I have issues with depression. There are times, like when I'm not medicated, that I can feel it running through my body. Depression is not easy to describe or perhaps I'm not quite skilled enough with my writing to articulate the feelings just yet. It is like a huge loneliness and sadness that envelops the mind. Yes, I may be lonely but the thought of being around people, smiling and happy people at that, can be pure torture, so I wallow in the darkness finding various methods to medicate or to escape reality so that I can function and so that no one really knows.

At the same time, I have responsibilities and I am responsible if nothing else. I am a mom and an employee. I have a house that needs cleaning and clothes that need to be washed. Each day, I get up and go through the motions when I would truly just love to curl up in a ball in my room with nothing but silence and my cat.

Life goes on and so do I. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that reading blogs and blogging allows me to connect - to understand and be understood. I need that.

Questions?

This past weekend, a student who worked in our office was killed in a car accident. I didn't know her all that well as we didn't have many dealings with each other but from what I saw and knew, she was a young bright girl with a future to which she could look forward.

I'm not sure why, but I pondered her death for days after it occurred. I couldn't help but wonder how she felt that day and if she felt any different. You know those days when you feel strangely detached from yourself? I just wonder if maybe she felt a little off, you know, that in some way, fate was giving her a little hint as to what was to come.

Do you know that these things are going to happen to you beforehand but perhaps it's all subconscious and you don't recognize it for what it is? Do your thoughts just end right there? Does your "soul" continuing thinking? If so, does your soul even know the body is dead?

Yes, I have a strange fascination with death.

I came across a post that impressed me the other day. Ha, it impressed me so much that I proceeded to forward the link to it to every female in my office with the hopes of instilling the author's wisdom upon them. Alas, not one of them seemed to appreciate it.

May I just say that it frustrates me to no end that people don't really seem to care about "things" and when I say things, I mean everything. Why don't more people care about what Bush is doing to this world, about the shallowness that is being taught to our children, about the importance of lasting friendships and about just trying to be the best person you can be?

Really, is that too much to ask?

Nothing but Love

I'm going to let you in on a plan I have.

I want to try and do a Vlog post. Sometimes I have silly things to spew. Rather than me writing, I will talk and record a video and upload it here. No fears, it will be short and sweet because it'll be my first. If you're into vlogs, check out Crystal's. She's fantastic.

Today feels like winter, thus bringing us closer to Christmas, my favourite holiday. I am like a child when it comes to Christmas. It's just a happy time for me. While I don't consider myself all that close with my family, Christmas reminds me of how much I appreciate them.

In October, I attended my high school reunion. It was wonderful to be with people I consider my closest friends all at once. While we may not see each other very often anymore, we still have a fantastic bond. We all know our little idiosyncrasies, good and bad, and yet still love each other despite them. I consider myself fortunate to have made friends like that. No, I didn't get drunk and tell all about my love for them...maybe next time.

Motherful

I rarely think of my future. I don't like making plans for more than a week in advance and will avoid it at all costs. I cannot envision myself in my 40s, 50s, etc.

I suspect this comes from having my mother die at an early age. I was 11 and she was 36-years-old when she got sick and died. I am now 35.

A mother is that person who models what being a female, a wife and a mother is about. While my mom was with me during the majority of my formative years, I still feel like I missed out on her being a real role model for me. I cannot envision myself as an older woman because I never really got the chance to observe my mom's growing old. I didn't get to "see" by her example. When dealing with my daughter, I cannot say to myself, "What would Mom have done?"

I am getting very close and soon will pass the age that my mom was when she died. This is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. I cannot imagine how she would have felt to know that she was going to die and to know that she was not going to be able to see my brother and I grow up. Panic....fear.....love.....anger....there must have been a jumble of feelings racing about in her head.

Being a mom has made me feel closer to my mom. I feel like I could relate to her now. Odd that I would feel closer to her now since so many years have passed.