What Next?

I'm not really sure what I should be doing with myself lately. I'm a little lost and a little sad. The days go by, and I've been going to bed early simply to put an end the day.

Someone who reads this blog emailed me to tell me nicely that I think too much. Bingo! That's exactly what I've been trying to tell you guys. That's why I'm writing this blog and spilling my gut about some of my private thoughts.

These thoughts race around in my head. Picture it like a bunch of derby cars going too fast in a little ring. They eventually crash into one another. How am I supposed concentrate on one thing when all these cars keep crashing into each other around me?

Writing my thoughts down helps me organize and release. Does that make sense?

Watch Me Soar

Firstly, I want to share with you a story that I recently read in a book called Awareness by Tony De Mello:

"A man found an eagle's egg and put it in a nest of a barnyard hen. The eaglet hatched with the brood of chicks and grew up with them. All his life the eagle did what the barnyard chicks did, thinking he was a barnyard chicken. He scratched the earth for worms and insects. He clucked and cackled. And he would thrash his wings and fly a few feet into the air.

Years passed and the eagle grew very old. One day he saw a magnificent bird above him in the cloudless sky. It glided in graceful majesty among the powerful wind currents, with scarcely a beat of its strong golden wings.

The old eagle looked up in awe. "Who's that?" he asked. "That's the eagle, the king of the birds," said his neighbor. "He belongs to the sky. We belong to the earth we're chickens."

So the eagle lived and died a chicken, for that's what he thought he was."

Ok, the book was all right. I took some ideas from it and left some ideas from it. But this story and what Tony De Mello talks about is so true.

We grow up being taught beliefs and being told who and what we are by our parents, teachers and others around us. Your beliefs are those thoughts caught up in that ceaseless chatter inside your head. But, some of the beliefs we've been told are simply not true. The challenge is changing these beliefs and/or letting go of them.

And the people that have put these beliefs upon you, they are not at fault. They are simply passing on what has been instilled in them as well. It is a cycle of passing on false beliefs.

People that are close to me know that my dad did not always treat me very well. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and sometimes physically abusive as well. When my mother passed away, I lost the person who protected me from him.

This is not to say that my father is a horrible man or a bad person. He did the best he could at the time and I know he loves us.

Around the age of 11, I began to be accused constantly of being on drugs. At that age, I didn't even know what "drugs" were and was more into riding my bike with my friends. At that point, I hadn't even been introduced to drugs. (but that was soon to follow!) It was frustrating as a child to try and tell him otherwise. I didn't understand where his paranoia was coming from.

My father also told me about birth control and his desire to put me on it when I was 11 years old--far too young to need to know about such things. What about respect for yourself, dignity and integrity?

During the rest of my teen years and into my early 20s, I was constantly told that I was a "slut", a "looser" and that I would be on "welfare" for the rest of my life. When you tell a child such things over and over, they believe it. Afterall, we grow up thinking that our parents are perfect and that they know best, right? I was the eagle thinking I was a chicken.

I remember in grade school, the boys thought I was a slut as well. There was no reason behind their beliefs. I hadn't even kissed a boy then and was, in fact, quite terrified at the thought of kissing any boy.

I will always remember a male friend of mine telling me about the time he asked a guy what I was like in grade school and the boy responded that I was a slut or some other derogatory name. I will always remember that because it hurt my feelings. (I will talk about my need to let things go and not take things personally in my next post.) Not one of those grade school boys calling me a slut had ever laid a hand on me or vice versa.

In my 20s, I did come to the realization that my father was wrong in his treatment of me. It was so wrong. But again, he did the best he could at the time. The love of his life had died and he was scared shitless to be stuck trying to raise two children. He fucked up just like we've all done a few times at the very least. Things are much better between us now.

The point of my telling you this is not to make my father look bad. It's simply my way of proclaiming to myself that what he said was not true. I don't need to spend the rest of my life trying to prove that he was wrong. His beliefs don't have to be mine. I should not be concerned about appearing as a "failure" in his eyes or anyone else's. I am the only person to whom I need to be accountable.

I am not a bad person or a "loser". This is a false belief that was instilled in me, and I need to let go of it, but re-training your brain and letting go of things is quite the task.

I am still a work in progress, and I do hope to be a work in progress for the rest of my life.

Spring

Spring is in the air. Ok, it's a cold fucking air but I can feel it nonetheless. My desktop weather icon shows that it's -13 C (-2F) today BUT the sun is shining and there is not a cloud in the sky.

I'm looking forward to getting outside and feeling the sun on my face again. I'm looking forward to seeing my tulips budding through the soil. I'm looking forward to watching Hailey draw chalk pictures on the driveway.

It seems I only come to this blog to complain about things but there is a lot for which I am grateful. I look forward.

Like a Festering Ball with Spikey Things On It

Today, I need to talk about anxiety.

I have it. It's in my chest and in my stomach, and I think I can even feel it flowing through some of my fingers.

I wish that I knew of a way in which I could just switch my thoughts off for a little while as it's tiresome to have the same thoughts flowing throughout over and again. My head needs a vacation where I can just turn things OFF and just be.

I want to float without feeling weighed down.

Housekeeping

For as long as I can remember, I have carried around anger. I'm quite certain that this anger is displaced and not sure whether this anger is even directed at someone or something that is real.

Back when I was 11 years old, I blamed God for my mother's death. It was perfect and convenient. It worked for me at the time. It was ALL.HIS.FAULT.

God never stopped by to tell me that it wasn't his fault. He never denied it once. It just worked for me to blame him.

It doesn't work for me anymore.

Carrying anger or hate for anyone sucks away your energy and your happiness with life. This I know and I've always tried my damnedest not to carry hate for anyone, except God. I've always tried, albeit not always successfully, to empathize and understand just why people do what they do and why they treat others like crap, except God.

So, that is where I stand at this point in my quest for contentment. I have come to realize that God, whether he/she is real or not, is not where my anger should be placed. I just need to let it go. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

There are a select few bloggers that I give credit for helping me find my way in life. They have no idea who the heck I am and no idea how much they have had an impact on my life by giving me hope.

Crystal, you inspire!

Yellow

I've been taking my medication as of late. Enough time has passed so that I am feeling a little more balanced.

My moods are settling so that they are not quite as extreme. When I was angry, I was very angry and when I felt sad, it overcame me. I can actually come to work and stay focused on the job at hand. No more thoughts dancing about in my head and bumping into each other.

In some ways, I miss me, the up and down me. But I do realize that I can function better as a mom, employee, friend when I am medicated.

Go Ahead, Ask Me Why

I'm quite certain that some of you who may read this blog wonder why the hell I am spewing my personal thoughts online for all to read. I know this because I can imagine that A LOT of people that I know are not familiar with blogging and are only coming here by following the link from my Facebook profile.

At the same time, I know that there are fellow bloggers out there reading this who are fully understanding about this need to connect, to share, to rant.

My need to connect is all about that self-realizing light-bulb moment, "Holy fuck, I feel that way too! I'm not the only one!!" It's something I've never truly experienced as an adult, until I started meeting online friends.

I don't know what this says about my real-life friends. It in no way means that they aren't good friends or good people. It's just that they aren't so much into sharing thoughts and/or feelings so much as me. I've always been too willing to share a little too much information. Perhaps I crave attention so much that I'll reach out to whomever may be listening or perhaps I have no shame. I don't know.

I guess I just look at it like, "This is me. Take me as I am." I have faults, and, in fact, I'm kind of proud of my faults at times. It's what makes me my quirky and sexy/nerdy self (simply had to throw the sexy in there!).

I have issues with depression. There are times, like when I'm not medicated, that I can feel it running through my body. Depression is not easy to describe or perhaps I'm not quite skilled enough with my writing to articulate the feelings just yet. It is like a huge loneliness and sadness that envelops the mind. Yes, I may be lonely but the thought of being around people, smiling and happy people at that, can be pure torture, so I wallow in the darkness finding various methods to medicate or to escape reality so that I can function and so that no one really knows.

At the same time, I have responsibilities and I am responsible if nothing else. I am a mom and an employee. I have a house that needs cleaning and clothes that need to be washed. Each day, I get up and go through the motions when I would truly just love to curl up in a ball in my room with nothing but silence and my cat.

Life goes on and so do I. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that reading blogs and blogging allows me to connect - to understand and be understood. I need that.

Questions?

This past weekend, a student who worked in our office was killed in a car accident. I didn't know her all that well as we didn't have many dealings with each other but from what I saw and knew, she was a young bright girl with a future to which she could look forward.

I'm not sure why, but I pondered her death for days after it occurred. I couldn't help but wonder how she felt that day and if she felt any different. You know those days when you feel strangely detached from yourself? I just wonder if maybe she felt a little off, you know, that in some way, fate was giving her a little hint as to what was to come.

Do you know that these things are going to happen to you beforehand but perhaps it's all subconscious and you don't recognize it for what it is? Do your thoughts just end right there? Does your "soul" continuing thinking? If so, does your soul even know the body is dead?

Yes, I have a strange fascination with death.

I came across a post that impressed me the other day. Ha, it impressed me so much that I proceeded to forward the link to it to every female in my office with the hopes of instilling the author's wisdom upon them. Alas, not one of them seemed to appreciate it.

May I just say that it frustrates me to no end that people don't really seem to care about "things" and when I say things, I mean everything. Why don't more people care about what Bush is doing to this world, about the shallowness that is being taught to our children, about the importance of lasting friendships and about just trying to be the best person you can be?

Really, is that too much to ask?

CHEM 101

Chemistry. You cannot define it and you cannot deny it. It is an inexplicable feeling of being drawn to someone.

My therapist and I have been talking about chemistry and how important it is to relationships so it has been on my mind as of late. It is not necessarily about how a person looks as you can have two outwardly equal beautiful people, yet there will be one towards whom you will feel MORE drawn. Their smell, their touch and all those yummy non-visible senses come into play with chemistry.

Notice that I use the word "outwardly" when referring to someone who looks good. I think it's a shame that we call people who look good "beautiful". I don't feel that someone who simply looks good deserves to be called beautiful. Beauty makes me think of someone as a whole...inside and outside.....and there are far too many aesthetically pleasing asses out there.

There is beauty or a peacefulness you can see in a person who feels comfortable in their skin and with themselves. This person is not threatened by the beliefs of others. They are confident in what they believe themselves to be. To be honest, I don't think I've known anyone who has completely attained this inner peace but to me, inner peace is a goal well-worth chasing.

Chemistry and peace, keep coming my way.