20 Things about Me - Still a work in progress

It has been three years since I started this blog and one to one and half years since I have posted regularly.  I thought the first thing I should do is update my "Things About Me" post since I have grown.  I still can't figure myself out but I do know that I have changed.  Some things never change and some do.

1. I have this appreciation for raw/real people who don't really give a sh*t about what others think. To clarify, I'm not talking about people who have no regard for others but those people who are comfortable with themselves and can admit to both their positive and negative attributes. Keep it real baby!

2. I love to read and have been known to become engrossed in a a few shampoo bottles in my day.... (ah yes, bathroom reading at its best)

3. I have a crush on Rosie O'Donnell & get really annoyed when people insult her appearance or views. See #1 and #6 for some understanding.

4. Men who "notice" me now but didn't seem to "notice" me 20 lbs ago are a HUGE annoyance to me. I am still HOT regardless of my weight.

5. Being a great mom is one of my proudest accomplishments.

6. I could not see myself having an intimate relationship with another woman, but I am sexually attracted to some women and will act on it if the opportunity presents itself.

7. I may forgive but I never forget.

8. If you tell me I can't do something, I will likely do it in spite of you.

9. I'm leery that #6 was too revealing.

10. I think I feel lonely more often than I should.

11. My favourite feature on myself is my eyes. True green eyes aren't all that common....

12. My life as a blonde has been more fun.

13. My favourite "pet" name was "Kitten".

14. I've been IN LOVE 3 times in my life.

15. But none of these loves will ever live up to what I feel for my daughter....

16. I think about my mother every day.

17. Just typing that brought me to tears. I'm getting emotional in my older years.

18. I'm not surprised at how easy it was to come up with twenty things about me. I'm vain.

19. I’m a feminist. My feminism is about letting women decide for themselves.  I still like it when a man opens the door for me.

20. I have an irrational fear of bees. Oh yes, I've been stung a couple times and I know it hurts, but I've given birth! Albeit, it was a cesarean birth but it still hurt! Whenever a bee comes within my space, I panic. Oh yes, I do try to hide this bee-anxiety but the need to run overcomes me every time. Nipple clamps, now they would hurt too, but I wouldn't freak out and run if I saw them. 

Don't Ask Me

There was a time that I used to love to provide advice. I always knew what was best and I conducted myself in what I thought was the "right" way. I thought I was a moral compass. Ugh, how arrogant this thinking is to me now.

Now, I don't have much advice to give, let alone the desire to give it. This is both good and bad.

It is good because this means that I am not nearly as judgemental as I was once. We all fuck up and make mistakes and this is okay. If you can make a mistake yet take something away from it, all is not lost and some insight has been gained.

I don't offer advice or cast judgements because I don't feel that I am in a position to do so. In fact, I've yet to meet anyone who is in the position to cast their judgment on someone else. We are all living in glass houses and living our own realities. We do not walk in each others shoes so how can we possibly understand decisions that are made by another.

The downside of my not wanting to provide advice is that I also feel like I am a fuck up and not worthy of advising anyone else. It just feels wrong to tell someone to do things the socially acceptable way when I sometimes do not follow "acceptable" ways myself.

If someone you know is doing something wrong in your eyes, it is quite likely that this someone already knows it is wrong. They don't need to hear it from you. Let's face it, barring mental or social limitations, we all know what is right and wrong. We choose between the two constantly.

I no longer concern myself with what others do since my own inventory is the only one that truly affects me.

Your turn to fuck up shall come.

So What, I'm Still a Rock Star

Why the rock star title you ask? I don't know really. I was listening to Pink's song on the way to work this morning and it sounded good. I, however, am not a rock star which is quite all right with me.

Why the big butts promo picture above you ask? It's very simple folks. I like to call it "not-so subliminal messaging." Tell your friends!

I'm spending most of my free time studying these days. I take courses here at the university and have a midterm coming up. I'm taking sociology so I can study your asses....but not your individual asses. I'm studying your asses as a group or a society of asses if you will. And, if we're gong to get all technical, I'm not really studying your asses either. I did peak once though.

I don't know why I'm bringing up asses and butts so much today. It was really not my intent when I started this post.

University is something that I wish I had done when I was younger. I can honestly say that I have few regrets about what I HAVE done with my life but I have a few regrets about things I HAVEN'T done. University is one of them. (Editor's note: Not having sex with a certain someone waaaay back in the day is another!)

University wasn't mentioned to me when I was young. It was just assumed that I would either get a job and work or go to college after high school. It should have been an option because I was a bright kid. Without a doubt, I do not catch on to things now as quickly as I once did.

Sociology is a subject I love. I am a people watcher, and I could and stalk haunt pursue watch people for hours. We each have our own realities and/or perceptions of reality which is the simple explanation for "What the heck was she thinking?"

Be well.

What Next?

I'm not really sure what I should be doing with myself lately. I'm a little lost and a little sad. The days go by, and I've been going to bed early simply to put an end the day.

Someone who reads this blog emailed me to tell me nicely that I think too much. Bingo! That's exactly what I've been trying to tell you guys. That's why I'm writing this blog and spilling my gut about some of my private thoughts.

These thoughts race around in my head. Picture it like a bunch of derby cars going too fast in a little ring. They eventually crash into one another. How am I supposed concentrate on one thing when all these cars keep crashing into each other around me?

Writing my thoughts down helps me organize and release. Does that make sense?

Do You Eat with that Mouth?

I have a confession or disclaimer of sorts. It involves my last post and my ever-so-bold use of the word "cock".

I can be bold at times and I consider myself to be quite sexually uninhibited. However, I do have issues with "talking dirty" in the midst of intimate moments. I can't do it. Oh, I know what I could and should say and I love hearing it, but getting the words out of my mouth is a whole other matter.

So yes, I can write the word cock over and over, and I could write you a story that would make some of you blush, some of you warm and tingly, and some of you frown upon me. However, when the time comes to whisper it in that special someone's ear, I become that shy little school girl.

I guess that's why I enjoy writing. I can remove my filter and just let it pour out.

This is me.

The Tits

Some of my favourite bloggers have been writing about things in their life that they think are THE TITS.

And no, sorry, I am not discussing my tits (although they are The Tits if I do say so myself!!). I am speaking of things that are The Tits for me. So, without further ado, here is my The Tits List:

1. First on the list has got to be the smell of my daughter.
Every morning, she hops into bed with me for our morning
cuddle and I stick my face in her hair and .... oh, pure bliss.
2. The rhythmic sound of my cat purring.
3. Those days when my hair goes just right.
4. Reading a book in a day because it was just too good to put down.
5. Butterflies
6. Going for a walk in the bush in Autumn
7. Having someone who doesn't really know me write to me and tell me that my blog has helped them and/or that they love my blog
8. A margarita (or four) made just right!
9. Unlimited lobster with garlic butter for everyone!! (oh ya baby!)
10. Talking for hours on the phone about absolutely nothing with a good friend.

The Cowardly Lion

There are things in my life that I need to get straight and yet, I avoid them. I have asked others for advice or answers and I get the same response, "Only you can decide" and "Only you truly know what you want."

I realize that this is my decision, but I suppose that I want to put the responsibility on someone else and have them make the decision for me. Ugh, I frustrate myself with my cowardness.

I think I use the excuse that I am not sure what I want so that I can avoid making that decision and following through. Deep down, I do know what I want but change, or the unknown, scares me so I am constantly second guessing myself. And the change I want to make affects so many people which only adds more uncertainty and scares me more.

All too often, I feel like I am running in a hamster wheel. It seems like this is the way it is both in trying to keep my house clean and trying to live my life. I'm running and I'm not getting anywhere.

I Knew His Offer was Way Too Low

I have an amusing story to tell.

I was once offered $80 to have sex with someone that I had never met.

I was a little insulted by this offer and thought I was surely worth a three-digit number at the very least!!!

In my defense, this ummmm...person/slug didn't know me and has never seen me. He was just some internet schmuck who randomly sends out messages to women. Surely, if he had met me, his offer would have been much better.... I know, my modesty is underwhelming.

After completing the following quiz, I feel redeemed. Now this quiz is accurate and all knowing. Just as I suspected, I'm worth the price of a discounted high-priced call girl!! In fact, I'm worth MORE in bed than the average ($232.19) person taking this quiz!

You got that? If you want a piece of me, the going rate is $1,148 per hour. Tips (15-20%) are also appreciated and expected.

How much are you worth?


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Spring

Spring is in the air. Ok, it's a cold fucking air but I can feel it nonetheless. My desktop weather icon shows that it's -13 C (-2F) today BUT the sun is shining and there is not a cloud in the sky.

I'm looking forward to getting outside and feeling the sun on my face again. I'm looking forward to seeing my tulips budding through the soil. I'm looking forward to watching Hailey draw chalk pictures on the driveway.

It seems I only come to this blog to complain about things but there is a lot for which I am grateful. I look forward.

My Scrambled Thoughts

I have never really had to work hard for anything and I'm ashamed to admit this, but it is true. I suppose I am spoiled and lucky because things have always come easily to me. Does it mean I'm not capable of working for and chasing after something? Am I the kind of person who can be counted on? The person I want to be is loving, strong and full of integrity.

It's funny because in some ways I am so strong and yet in others, I am such a coward. In some ways, I am one of the most passionate people I know and yet in other ways, I cannot seem to muster the passion to go after what I truly want. It frustrates me to no end which just seems to snowball the whole situation.

I want the people that I love to have complete faith in my love for them, to know that I will be there for them and to know of my utter devotion. I want to have this same blind faith, but I do not do well with allowing people to get too close to me.

I have a real hard time trusting in anyone, especially men. I think I've always felt that another's love is conditional and that it will/could end abruptly. I carry the hurt, distrust and spite from those who have hurt me. It's not just about the exes in my life, it's about all men, including my father and brother.

Perhaps I'm laying my mistrust issues on men because I simply haven't been as close with women. I have no female relatives that I would consider close and while I'm not against fucking another woman, I'll never have an intimate relationship with one, so for me, there just aren't the same expectations.

Can you follow this? My scattered thoughts are jumping about making me into a rambling, lazy but loving mistrustful coward. Forgive me, I'm just purging as it comes to my head.

Go Ahead, Ask Me Why

I'm quite certain that some of you who may read this blog wonder why the hell I am spewing my personal thoughts online for all to read. I know this because I can imagine that A LOT of people that I know are not familiar with blogging and are only coming here by following the link from my Facebook profile.

At the same time, I know that there are fellow bloggers out there reading this who are fully understanding about this need to connect, to share, to rant.

My need to connect is all about that self-realizing light-bulb moment, "Holy fuck, I feel that way too! I'm not the only one!!" It's something I've never truly experienced as an adult, until I started meeting online friends.

I don't know what this says about my real-life friends. It in no way means that they aren't good friends or good people. It's just that they aren't so much into sharing thoughts and/or feelings so much as me. I've always been too willing to share a little too much information. Perhaps I crave attention so much that I'll reach out to whomever may be listening or perhaps I have no shame. I don't know.

I guess I just look at it like, "This is me. Take me as I am." I have faults, and, in fact, I'm kind of proud of my faults at times. It's what makes me my quirky and sexy/nerdy self (simply had to throw the sexy in there!).

I have issues with depression. There are times, like when I'm not medicated, that I can feel it running through my body. Depression is not easy to describe or perhaps I'm not quite skilled enough with my writing to articulate the feelings just yet. It is like a huge loneliness and sadness that envelops the mind. Yes, I may be lonely but the thought of being around people, smiling and happy people at that, can be pure torture, so I wallow in the darkness finding various methods to medicate or to escape reality so that I can function and so that no one really knows.

At the same time, I have responsibilities and I am responsible if nothing else. I am a mom and an employee. I have a house that needs cleaning and clothes that need to be washed. Each day, I get up and go through the motions when I would truly just love to curl up in a ball in my room with nothing but silence and my cat.

Life goes on and so do I. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that reading blogs and blogging allows me to connect - to understand and be understood. I need that.

Closet Rebel Mom

Hey, did you see me today? I was the "soccer mom" in the car beside you at the traffic lights.

No Silly, not the one in the van.

I was the one singing/screaming along with Eminem with my car windows down...

You can call me Slim Mom Shady. I'm down with that.

Oh My

This is a new endeavour for me. I've been an avid reader/lurker of many-a-blog for some time now however writing things, feelings, experiences that others will read is new to me. It appeals to me for some unknown reason and yet being judged as a result of what or how I write is something that holds me back.


I guess that is one of my goals in writing this blog. I have this compulsion to express myself and discuss, and this seems to be a good outlet. Ha, who I am kidding....it's my only outlet!


I received a comment today on one of my posts and was rather shocked and humbled to see that it was one of my favourite bloggers, Neil, from Citizen of the Month. This man is truly entertaining and a superb writer, and I have to admit that I'm embarrassed for him to have read my amateur ramblings, but HOLY F#CK, how cool is that? I've been cracking up on his conversations with his penis for some time. He's like a celebrity in my eyes!


Blogging and reading blogs is a different world for some. It allows one to anonymously pry into the thoughts of a willing subject. It feeds that inquisitive need. My experience is that it can be therapeutic in knowing that you are not the only one with insecurities and flaws.


It gives me solace to know that there are real people out there trying to find themselves as well.

20 Things about Me - A work in progress

1. I have this appreciation for raw/real people who don't really give a sh*t about what others think. To clarify, I'm not talking about people who have no regard for others but those people who are comfortable with themselves and can admit to both their positive and negative attributes. Keep it real baby!

2. I love to read and have been known to become engrossed in a a few shampoo bottles in my day.... (ah yes, bathroom reading at its best)

3. I have a crush on Rosie O'Donnell & get really annoyed when people insult her appearance or views. See #1 and #6 for some understanding.

4. Men who "notice" me now but didn't seem to "notice" me 20 lbs ago are a HUGE annoyance to me. I am still HOT regardless of my weight.

5. Being a great mom is one of my proudest accomplishments.

6. I'm bi-sexual. Although somewhat irrelevant now since I'm married (to a man), it is a part of me.

7. I may forgive but I never forget.

8. I am the most spiteful person I know.

9. I'm leery that #6 was too revealing.

10. I think I feel lonely more often than I should.

11. My favourite feature on myself is my eyes. True green eyes aren't all that common....

12. My life as a blonde has been more fun.

13. My favourite "pet" name is "Kitten".

14. I've been IN LOVE 3 times in my life.

15. But none of these loves will ever live up to what I feel for my daughter....

16. I think about my mother every day.

17. Just typing that brought me to tears. I'm getting emotional in my older years.

18. I'm not surprised at how easy it was to come up with twenty things about me. I'm vain.

19. I’m a feminist. My feminism is about letting women decide for themselves.

20. I have an irrational fear of bees. Oh yes, I've been stung a couple times and I know it hurts, but I've given birth! Albeit, it was a cesarean birth but it still hurt! Whenever a bee comes within my space, I panic. Oh yes, I do try to hide this bee-anxiety but the need to run overcomes me every time. Nipple clamps, now they would hurt too, but I don't freak out and run when I see them.

Not that I've seen nipple clamps as of late, but I was looking at a roach clip earlier today and thinking about nipple clamps thereby mentioning it in this post.