The Cliff Notes

Have you ever had a dream that you are hanging from a cliff by your fingers and they are griping and scraping through the rocks in your desperate attempt to hold on? And that in the dream and in your heart of hearts, you know you are going to fall and that trying to hold on is futile?

I quite often dream that I can fly too, but the damn power lines always get in the way.

And Sometimes.....

Sometimes I feel the way this tree looks and I struggle to get out of it.

My head knows that these things pass but knowing does not provide relief.

Most people only see what is on the outside, which frustrates me and relieves me at the same time.

The Cowardly Lion

There are things in my life that I need to get straight and yet, I avoid them. I have asked others for advice or answers and I get the same response, "Only you can decide" and "Only you truly know what you want."

I realize that this is my decision, but I suppose that I want to put the responsibility on someone else and have them make the decision for me. Ugh, I frustrate myself with my cowardness.

I think I use the excuse that I am not sure what I want so that I can avoid making that decision and following through. Deep down, I do know what I want but change, or the unknown, scares me so I am constantly second guessing myself. And the change I want to make affects so many people which only adds more uncertainty and scares me more.

All too often, I feel like I am running in a hamster wheel. It seems like this is the way it is both in trying to keep my house clean and trying to live my life. I'm running and I'm not getting anywhere.

Anybody Out There?

Me, myself and I.

Is this day over yet?

Shaggy

Back in the days
I use to dream of being rich
Have a lot of houses and cars
Couldn’t know which one was which
And finding me a chick and getting hitched
Living the fairy tale life perfect witout a ditch
You think that this would bring me happiness
If at the end of every rainbow there was a treasure chest
Sometimes having more is really less
So take a look inside yourself
You’ll realize you’re really blessed
No matter how inside you’re blue
There’s always someone who has it worse than you
Sometimes you gotta pay your dues
So don’t worry just push on through

Maddy & Me

In some ways, I wish I had kept this blog anonymous. I feel like I need to say things and I simply can't because some of you know me. But, the cryptic route just may add a little more intrigue and excitement for both you and me.

I knew this merge thing wasn't going to be easy. It's like I'm going up this huge fucking hill and so far, I'm only about a quarter of the way up it. I'm still not sure what's going to be at the top, but I really want to get there anyways. No one said it was going to be easy. Funny, no one said anything.

Maddy has helped me in ways I don't think very many would understand. Through her, I saw things that I wanted in my life. Through her, I also saw what I didn't want in my life. She even helped me remember things about myself that I had thought were long gone. Thank you Madison! It has been a wild ride.

It's not a sacrifice you are making. It's a farce.

Time to live.