Health

Every so often, I receive emails from people/friends who read this blog offering me words of encouragement or simply to let me know that I am not the only one who feels as I do.

I worry sometimes that I make myself sound a little worse/insane/unhappier than I actually am. I use this blog as a place to dump the crappy stuff and seldom do I share the good stuff.

Just know that the crappy and negative stuff that I purge here is only a part of my life. My struggles do not consume me by any means.

Lately I have not been feeling healthy. I have problems with a sore neck way too often and this leads to headaches and backaches.

I've decided that it is time to try and do something about it and get healthy. I used to enjoy running and I plan to start taking this up again. I'm excited to take my new MP3 playing for a run.

Now that the holidays are over, I'd also like to loose that last bit of weight I've been carrying. Loosing weight has always been easy for me when I actually set my mind to it. However, I do suspect that one day, since I'm getting older and can actually see the big 40 in my future, the weight will not come off quite as easily. All the more reason to do something about it now.

I'm not going on a diet per se but just plan to eat well and clean up my body by eating natural food rather than the processed crap that I've been gorging on during the holidays. I'm hoping I can loose 15 pounds or so simply by eating well and exercising.

Wish me luck!

Don't Ask Me

There was a time that I used to love to provide advice. I always knew what was best and I conducted myself in what I thought was the "right" way. I thought I was a moral compass. Ugh, how arrogant this thinking is to me now.

Now, I don't have much advice to give, let alone the desire to give it. This is both good and bad.

It is good because this means that I am not nearly as judgemental as I was once. We all fuck up and make mistakes and this is okay. If you can make a mistake yet take something away from it, all is not lost and some insight has been gained.

I don't offer advice or cast judgements because I don't feel that I am in a position to do so. In fact, I've yet to meet anyone who is in the position to cast their judgment on someone else. We are all living in glass houses and living our own realities. We do not walk in each others shoes so how can we possibly understand decisions that are made by another.

The downside of my not wanting to provide advice is that I also feel like I am a fuck up and not worthy of advising anyone else. It just feels wrong to tell someone to do things the socially acceptable way when I sometimes do not follow "acceptable" ways myself.

If someone you know is doing something wrong in your eyes, it is quite likely that this someone already knows it is wrong. They don't need to hear it from you. Let's face it, barring mental or social limitations, we all know what is right and wrong. We choose between the two constantly.

I no longer concern myself with what others do since my own inventory is the only one that truly affects me.

Your turn to fuck up shall come.

Meh, Another New Year

I've never been a fan of New Year's Eve. I find it depressing and have felt this way for as long as I can remember.

I don't know what it is that saddens me on this day. It seems so overrated to me, and I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to celebrate...that I've lived another year? that I can still make it to midnight?

I always enjoy getting together with friends. I love making food and snacks, etc., for our little New Year's get together. I love hosting a party! I just don't like the countdown to midnight or everyone kissing and hugging at midnight. It makes me uncomfortable for some reason. It also saddens me for reasons of which I'm just not sure.

One New Year's Eve, I'd like to go to bed at 11 pm (preferably not alone!) and just skip the festivities and pleasantries. It'll happen one year. Until then....le sigh.

It's All About Her

Every morning at about 6:30, my daughter scoots into bed with me for that last hour of sleep.

This morning, I could see the very top of her head sticking out of the blanket and I could hear her breathing.

I could feel my heart swell. It doesn't get any better than that.

It's Not You. It's me.

Dear Blog:

I just haven't been feeling you lately. Is it because I've been feeling better about myself as of late? Perhaps but I'm not sure. I've even shut you off so that the no one can read what I write now. Don't worry, the shut off is only temporary. I'm just savouring the silence.

I like that I can be a fairweather friend with you, Blog. I like that I can use you to share my confusion and sadness at times.

Maddy

I'm not knocking or drugs or anything by posting this picture. In fact, some drugs may help you see less of the ugliness in other people. I'm just sayin'.