Stop the Stigma!

Nothing bothers me more than stigmas and I am one of those truth freedom fighter people that your mom warned you about. I'm here today to educate people everywhere that Geminis (those born between May 21 and June 20)are not as bad as they are made out to be. Yes, today's topic is deep, like me!

I've finally found a little clip that doesn't paint a Gemini person in a bad way. Here it is:

Gemini is the sign of "communication" - you'll often find a disproportionate number of Gemini Suns in the telecommunication, publishing, public relations, radio and news fields. They make wonderful writers and commentators. These folks love to talk. The jokes and laughter fly by at a mile a minute, the influence of Mercury being strong in this sign. Gemini does take a bad rap from some astrologers for being shallow and vain, and sometimes they seem that way. But take another look, and you discover that they are so sensitive and easily hurt, that they learn to protect themselves by keeping intimacy at arms length. If you take the time, you'll find most Gemini natives are really quite deep - they are thinking all the time, after all. Gemini has been accused by some astrologers of being a fickle lover too, but you'll find no more interesting or engaging partner.

Ha, are you still reading or did I loose you at the mention of astrology?

I don't really think I'm all that talkative like most of these gemini articles indicate, unless we're talking about the talking that goes on in my head. There is A LOT of that going on.

Has anyone ever read the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz? Loved it. It's mostly about judging whether it's judging yourself, judging others or how others judge you. (a lot of judges in there huh?) Check it out and I promise you won't be disappointed. It is not a religious book because to me, organized religion is full of a lot of judging too. (but hey, that's just me!)

I need to stop judging myself. I get angry with myself very often and don't treat myself (both the inside and the outside me) the way I should. I'd prefer to be self medicated than to be with myself. Sheesh, I don't know why that is because I can be fun and entertaining at times! (insert yeehaw and a pill here)

Being an asshat aside, I need to stop punishing myself for things that are not true.

I disappoint me and other people disappoint me. I take what others do or say to heart when I shouldn't--the good and the bad stuff. I am way too flattered by compliments about my appearance because such things are not important. I can't control what others do or think. They are living in their own world which is controlled by their own beliefs, many of which are different from mine and, like mine, many of which are false. It doesn't matter. Love is all that matters--that's it.

I'm not talking about lovers and the like. I'm talking about the love that the inside you feels...not the physical you. I am talking about love for family, friends, myself, the world and Pluto too (you're still a planet to me dude!). If I can start with loving myself, the inside me, I am certain that the rest will just fall into place. It just makes sense.

This is a choppy post today and my apologies if you find it difficult to follow. I thought of rearranging it but then figured I would edit too much of it. I will leave it the way it came out.

Geminis unite! We are deep and introspective even!


Disclaimer: While I find astrology entertaining...fascinating even, I'm not one who lives her life by it.

The Cliff Notes

Have you ever had a dream that you are hanging from a cliff by your fingers and they are griping and scraping through the rocks in your desperate attempt to hold on? And that in the dream and in your heart of hearts, you know you are going to fall and that trying to hold on is futile?

I quite often dream that I can fly too, but the damn power lines always get in the way.

Moving On

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

The Tits

Some of my favourite bloggers have been writing about things in their life that they think are THE TITS.

And no, sorry, I am not discussing my tits (although they are The Tits if I do say so myself!!). I am speaking of things that are The Tits for me. So, without further ado, here is my The Tits List:

1. First on the list has got to be the smell of my daughter.
Every morning, she hops into bed with me for our morning
cuddle and I stick my face in her hair and .... oh, pure bliss.
2. The rhythmic sound of my cat purring.
3. Those days when my hair goes just right.
4. Reading a book in a day because it was just too good to put down.
5. Butterflies
6. Going for a walk in the bush in Autumn
7. Having someone who doesn't really know me write to me and tell me that my blog has helped them and/or that they love my blog
8. A margarita (or four) made just right!
9. Unlimited lobster with garlic butter for everyone!! (oh ya baby!)
10. Talking for hours on the phone about absolutely nothing with a good friend.

And Sometimes.....

Sometimes I feel the way this tree looks and I struggle to get out of it.

My head knows that these things pass but knowing does not provide relief.

Most people only see what is on the outside, which frustrates me and relieves me at the same time.

Watch Me Soar

Firstly, I want to share with you a story that I recently read in a book called Awareness by Tony De Mello:

"A man found an eagle's egg and put it in a nest of a barnyard hen. The eaglet hatched with the brood of chicks and grew up with them. All his life the eagle did what the barnyard chicks did, thinking he was a barnyard chicken. He scratched the earth for worms and insects. He clucked and cackled. And he would thrash his wings and fly a few feet into the air.

Years passed and the eagle grew very old. One day he saw a magnificent bird above him in the cloudless sky. It glided in graceful majesty among the powerful wind currents, with scarcely a beat of its strong golden wings.

The old eagle looked up in awe. "Who's that?" he asked. "That's the eagle, the king of the birds," said his neighbor. "He belongs to the sky. We belong to the earth we're chickens."

So the eagle lived and died a chicken, for that's what he thought he was."

Ok, the book was all right. I took some ideas from it and left some ideas from it. But this story and what Tony De Mello talks about is so true.

We grow up being taught beliefs and being told who and what we are by our parents, teachers and others around us. Your beliefs are those thoughts caught up in that ceaseless chatter inside your head. But, some of the beliefs we've been told are simply not true. The challenge is changing these beliefs and/or letting go of them.

And the people that have put these beliefs upon you, they are not at fault. They are simply passing on what has been instilled in them as well. It is a cycle of passing on false beliefs.

People that are close to me know that my dad did not always treat me very well. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and sometimes physically abusive as well. When my mother passed away, I lost the person who protected me from him.

This is not to say that my father is a horrible man or a bad person. He did the best he could at the time and I know he loves us.

Around the age of 11, I began to be accused constantly of being on drugs. At that age, I didn't even know what "drugs" were and was more into riding my bike with my friends. At that point, I hadn't even been introduced to drugs. (but that was soon to follow!) It was frustrating as a child to try and tell him otherwise. I didn't understand where his paranoia was coming from.

My father also told me about birth control and his desire to put me on it when I was 11 years old--far too young to need to know about such things. What about respect for yourself, dignity and integrity?

During the rest of my teen years and into my early 20s, I was constantly told that I was a "slut", a "looser" and that I would be on "welfare" for the rest of my life. When you tell a child such things over and over, they believe it. Afterall, we grow up thinking that our parents are perfect and that they know best, right? I was the eagle thinking I was a chicken.

I remember in grade school, the boys thought I was a slut as well. There was no reason behind their beliefs. I hadn't even kissed a boy then and was, in fact, quite terrified at the thought of kissing any boy.

I will always remember a male friend of mine telling me about the time he asked a guy what I was like in grade school and the boy responded that I was a slut or some other derogatory name. I will always remember that because it hurt my feelings. (I will talk about my need to let things go and not take things personally in my next post.) Not one of those grade school boys calling me a slut had ever laid a hand on me or vice versa.

In my 20s, I did come to the realization that my father was wrong in his treatment of me. It was so wrong. But again, he did the best he could at the time. The love of his life had died and he was scared shitless to be stuck trying to raise two children. He fucked up just like we've all done a few times at the very least. Things are much better between us now.

The point of my telling you this is not to make my father look bad. It's simply my way of proclaiming to myself that what he said was not true. I don't need to spend the rest of my life trying to prove that he was wrong. His beliefs don't have to be mine. I should not be concerned about appearing as a "failure" in his eyes or anyone else's. I am the only person to whom I need to be accountable.

I am not a bad person or a "loser". This is a false belief that was instilled in me, and I need to let go of it, but re-training your brain and letting go of things is quite the task.

I am still a work in progress, and I do hope to be a work in progress for the rest of my life.