Motherful

I rarely think of my future. I don't like making plans for more than a week in advance and will avoid it at all costs. I cannot envision myself in my 40s, 50s, etc.

I suspect this comes from having my mother die at an early age. I was 11 and she was 36-years-old when she got sick and died. I am now 35.

A mother is that person who models what being a female, a wife and a mother is about. While my mom was with me during the majority of my formative years, I still feel like I missed out on her being a real role model for me. I cannot envision myself as an older woman because I never really got the chance to observe my mom's growing old. I didn't get to "see" by her example. When dealing with my daughter, I cannot say to myself, "What would Mom have done?"

I am getting very close and soon will pass the age that my mom was when she died. This is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. I cannot imagine how she would have felt to know that she was going to die and to know that she was not going to be able to see my brother and I grow up. Panic....fear.....love.....anger....there must have been a jumble of feelings racing about in her head.

Being a mom has made me feel closer to my mom. I feel like I could relate to her now. Odd that I would feel closer to her now since so many years have passed.

The Green Green Grass of Home

For three or four years, I have waited for my unhappiness to pass and yet it is still here nagging me.

I used to think that my discontentment was the result of living here in the Bay, missing my friends and family, etc. It seemed odd to me because so many people are able to move away and start new lives and make new friends. I often ask myself why I can't just be happy with what I have. I am the Master of Denial and sometimes surmise that my expections are too high and that the grass is not, in fact, greener.

It doesn't matter how I spin it, how much I try to avoid and deny it, I am still lonely.

Closet Rebel Mom

Hey, did you see me today? I was the "soccer mom" in the car beside you at the traffic lights.

No Silly, not the one in the van.

I was the one singing/screaming along with Eminem with my car windows down...

You can call me Slim Mom Shady. I'm down with that.

Indeed My Girl, Indeed

My daughter has a kind heart and an old soul. There are times when I am so in awe of her. I don't think it is just her innocence that makes her the way she is. Like any mother I'm sure, I think that she is special.

The other day, we were driving down the street, she looked out the window with a sigh and said, "Mummy, isn't it a beautiful world?"

The subtle reminder was just what I'd been needing. I've been cranky and impatient this week. I am the one who is supposed to be pointing these things out to her and yet, there she was, reminding me to stop and smell the roses.

Here we go into another weekend. Time flies.

Tread Lightly

Anger fear sadness
I can feel it running through my veins
I have no way to get it out
I don't know how to get it out

Betrayal
I never thought I would have to feel that way again

My trust is not something I give away freely
I was warned and yet I did it anyways

I need to find some middle ground

Maddy & Me

In some ways, I wish I had kept this blog anonymous. I feel like I need to say things and I simply can't because some of you know me. But, the cryptic route just may add a little more intrigue and excitement for both you and me.

I knew this merge thing wasn't going to be easy. It's like I'm going up this huge fucking hill and so far, I'm only about a quarter of the way up it. I'm still not sure what's going to be at the top, but I really want to get there anyways. No one said it was going to be easy. Funny, no one said anything.

Maddy has helped me in ways I don't think very many would understand. Through her, I saw things that I wanted in my life. Through her, I also saw what I didn't want in my life. She even helped me remember things about myself that I had thought were long gone. Thank you Madison! It has been a wild ride.

It's not a sacrifice you are making. It's a farce.

Time to live.