Friday, March 11, 2011

Not Sure What Title to Use - A Little of this and a Little of That?

The best definition of integrity that I have heard is that it's "what you do when no one else is looking."  I value integrity in others because I have been burned, like most people.  I want to have integrity and think I do in a lot of aspects in my life with the one exception being my sex life.  I'm still working on figuring that out.


Last night, I went to the Vagina Monologues with some friends.  It was all right I suppose, but I just don't think that my vagina is all that complicated.  She's a straight forward girl with simple wants and needs.   It seemed a little odd to me to be listening to an adult chronicle the discovery her genitals for the first time with a mirror.  I can't relate.  Although I don't recall the details, I believe that it's likely I conducted my discoveries with the mirror when I was nine or ten.  At this point in my life, I can find my clitoris wearing a blindfold.  Heck, the mirror can be there for fun but it's not required.


I'm aging and I can see it happening.  The skin around my eyes is changing.  My body is changing.  It's not making me ugly necessarily.  I'm only 38 soon to be 39 years old.  I just don't look as young anymore.  It disturbs me a little, but I kind of like it too.  I feel like it makes me less superficial or vain.  You'll have to look a little deeper than before to appreciate me.   I'll have to look a little deeper than before to appreciate me.


Signing out for now.


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Because I'm weird like that.

I'm cranky today and I was yesterday as well.  Being cranky makes me horny which is sort of strange.  Something about getting the frustrations fucked out of me is appealing.

Tonight, I will chill, smoke many doobies and watch Intervention.

Monday, November 1, 2010

20 Things about Me - Still a work in progress

It has been three years since I started this blog and one to one and half years since I have posted regularly.  I thought the first thing I should do is update my "Things About Me" post since I have grown.  I still can't figure myself out but I do know that I have changed.  Some things never change and some do.
1. I have this appreciation for raw/real people who don't really give a sh*t about what others think. To clarify, I'm not talking about people who have no regard for others but those people who are comfortable with themselves and can admit to both their positive and negative attributes. Keep it real baby!

2. I love to read and have been known to become engrossed in a a few shampoo bottles in my day.... (ah yes, bathroom reading at its best)

3. I have a crush on Rosie O'Donnell & get really annoyed when people insult her appearance or views. See #1 and #6 for some understanding.

4. Men who "notice" me now but didn't seem to "notice" me 20 lbs ago are a HUGE annoyance to me. I am still HOT regardless of my weight.

5. Being a great mom is one of my proudest accomplishments.

6. I could not see myself having an intimate relationship with another woman, but I am sexually attracted to some women and will act on it if the opportunity presents itself.

7. I may forgive but I never forget.

8. If you tell me I can't do something, I will likely do it in spite of you.

9. I'm leery that #6 was too revealing.

10. I think I feel lonely more often than I should.

11. My favourite feature on myself is my eyes. True green eyes aren't all that common....

12. My life as a blonde has been more fun.

13. My favourite "pet" name was "Kitten".

14. I've been IN LOVE 3 times in my life.

15. But none of these loves will ever live up to what I feel for my daughter....

16. I think about my mother every day.

17. Just typing that brought me to tears. I'm getting emotional in my older years.

18. I'm not surprised at how easy it was to come up with twenty things about me. I'm vain.

19. I’m a feminist. My feminism is about letting women decide for themselves.  I still like it when a man opens the door for me.

20. I have an irrational fear of bees. Oh yes, I've been stung a couple times and I know it hurts, but I've given birth! Albeit, it was a cesarean birth but it still hurt! Whenever a bee comes within my space, I panic. Oh yes, I do try to hide this bee-anxiety but the need to run overcomes me every time. Nipple clamps, now they would hurt too, but I wouldn't freak out and run if I saw them. 

Friday, October 29, 2010

Honey, I'm home.

I'm slowing getting back into the groove with my blog.  I've imported my old posts. Some pictures and things may have been lost but I'll fix that up.  What has it been now?  A year or a year and a half or so since I've last blogged.  I've been browsing my old posts and thinking about how much things have changed and how much I have changed!  Thirty-eight years old and still growing up.  Le sigh.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

When my daughter brought this picture home, I was honoured and moved. It meant a lot to me,even though she probably didn't think twice about it.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Blah blah blah


I have become the Queen of Embedding. I haven't had much to say, so I've been trying to entertain you with the music I've been listening to as of late.

I'm working on a paper in my sociology class and the majority of my writing and free time has been spent toward that.

The weather has been fantastic these past couple of days. It has been cool which is an improvement from fucking cold as hell. It amazes me how much the weather affects my mood. Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't get so blue if I lived in a warmer climate, one without the harsh winters. I do not see any beauty in winter.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Superfad Directs Durex Commercial

Good for a giggle. Turn your speakers on!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Restless


I am restless. I'm daydreaming about taking a drive this weekend to a nearby town for a little bit of ME TIME. It may sound crazy, but the idea of being in a hotel room for an evening all by myself sounds heavenly to me.

Me time.



Monday, January 19, 2009

My Purple Butt



I wiped out this weekend and now have a wounded left butt cheek which is a pretty shade of purple. It hurts to sit in my chair.

** Edited to add the freak show that is now on my ass. And yes, it hurts.**


Sunday, January 4, 2009

Health

Every so often, I receive emails from people/friends who read this blog offering me words of encouragement or simply to let me know that I am not the only one who feels as I do.

I worry sometimes that I make myself sound a little worse/insane/unhappier than I actually am. I use this blog as a place to dump the crappy stuff and seldom do I share the good stuff.

Just know that the crappy and negative stuff that I purge here is only a part of my life. My struggles do not consume me by any means.

Lately I have not been feeling healthy. I have problems with a sore neck way too often and this leads to headaches and backaches.

I've decided that it is time to try and do something about it and get healthy. I used to enjoy running and I plan to start taking this up again. I'm excited to take my new MP3 playing for a run.

Now that the holidays are over, I'd also like to loose that last bit of weight I've been carrying. Loosing weight has always been easy for me when I actually set my mind to it. However, I do suspect that one day, since I'm getting older and can actually see the big 40 in my future, the weight will not come off quite as easily. All the more reason to do something about it now.

I'm not going on a diet per se but just plan to eat well and clean up my body by eating natural food rather than the processed crap that I've been gorging on during the holidays. I'm hoping I can loose 15 pounds or so simply by eating well and exercising.

Wish me luck!


Saturday, January 3, 2009

Don't Ask Me


There was a time that I used to love to provide advice. I always knew what was best and I conducted myself in what I thought was the "right" way. I thought I was a moral compass. Ugh, how arrogant this thinking is to me now.

Now, I don't have much advice to give, let alone the desire to give it. This is both good and bad.

It is good because this means that I am not nearly as judgemental as I was once. We all fuck up and make mistakes and this is okay. If you can make a mistake yet take something away from it, all is not lost and some insight has been gained.

I don't offer advice or cast judgements because I don't feel that I am in a position to do so. In fact, I've yet to meet anyone who is in the position to cast their judgment on someone else. We are all living in glass houses and living our own realities. We do not walk in each others shoes so how can we possibly understand decisions that are made by another.

The downside of my not wanting to provide advice is that I also feel like I am a fuck up and not worthy of advising anyone else. It just feels wrong to tell someone to do things the socially acceptable way when I sometimes do not follow "acceptable" ways myself.

If someone you know is doing something wrong in your eyes, it is quite likely that this someone already knows it is wrong. They don't need to hear it from you. Let's face it, barring mental or social limitations, we all know what is right and wrong. We choose between the two constantly.

I no longer concern myself with what others do since my own inventory is the only one that truly affects me.

Your turn to fuck up shall come.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Meh, Another New Year




I've never been a fan of New Year's Eve. I find it depressing and have felt this way for as long as I can remember.

I don't know what it is that saddens me on this day. It seems so overrated to me, and I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to celebrate...that I've lived another year? that I can still make it to midnight?

I always enjoy getting together with friends. I love making food and snacks, etc., for our little New Year's get together. I love hosting a party! I just don't like the countdown to midnight or everyone kissing and hugging at midnight. It makes me uncomfortable for some reason. It also saddens me for reasons of which I'm just not sure.

One New Year's Eve, I'd like to go to bed at 11 pm (preferably not alone!) and just skip the festivities and pleasantries. It'll happen one year. Until then....le sigh.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

It's All About Her

Every morning at about 6:30, my daughter scoots into bed with me for that last hour of sleep.

This morning, I could see the very top of her head sticking out of the blanket and I could hear her breathing.

I could feel my heart swell. It doesn't get any better than that.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

It's Not You. It's me.

Dear Blog:

I just haven't been feeling you lately. Is it because I've been feeling better about myself as of late? Perhaps but I'm not sure. I've even shut you off so that the no one can read what I write now. Don't worry, the shut off is only temporary. I'm just savouring the silence.

I like that I can be a fairweather friend with you, Blog. I like that I can use you to share my confusion and sadness at times.

Maddy

Thursday, December 11, 2008




I'm not knocking or drugs or anything by posting this picture. In fact, some drugs may help you see less of the ugliness in other people. I'm just sayin'.


Thursday, December 4, 2008

My Numerology Portrait

Meh, I'm not sure what I think of this. There are some hits and misses here. I can agree that I'm not one to go with the status quo, but I'm not a domineering person by any means. I'm not loud enough and although I'm quite passionate in my beliefs, I'm not one to force them on others.



Numerology Portrait for Maddy

Your Soul Number is FIVE.

A deep inner restlessness and discontent with the status quo makes you seek out adventure, excitement, and the unconventional. You thrive on new ideas, change, travel, experimenting with new ways of doing things. Predictability and routine make you feel lifeless and unhappy so you must find a lifestyle that is varied enough to be mentally stimulating and challenging. Independent, freedom-loving, and easily bored, you have trouble making commitments and finishing projects. You often "move on" prematurely, whether in a personal relationship or in your work. You need to develop discipline and perseverance when you have an important goal.

You have many talents and need many outlets and avenues for their expression, but try to finish one thing before attempting the next.

You also learn quickly and enjoy "turning on" others to new horizons and discoveries. Getting people out of their mental ruts and sparking their minds may be what you do best.


Your Personality Number is FIVE.

You are outgoing and expressive with an engaging, lively verbal style. Quick-witted and fluent, you can be a sparkling conversationalist or persuasive salesman. There is also a mischievous playfulness about you and you may be a terrible tease. You like to poke fun at more serious or pompous individuals.

You are quite magnetic and attractive to the opposite sex, and you need a lot of mental and emotional stimulation in order to be happy. It is good for you to have many friends and acquaintances of both sexes.

You are rarely still and you appear restless, as if you were itching to get up and go someplace. You quickly become impatient if your environment is not interesting and varied. You don't want to miss anything. You may seem fickle and undependable to others.

You appear youthful regardless of your age, and you like to be up to date. You pay attention to fashion trends and will experiment with the latest styles and fads. You enjoy dressing for dramatic effect and sometimes wear unusual, attention-getting combinations.


Your Destiny Number is ONE.

You are creative, inventive, and innovative, and it is your desire to make some unique contribution to the world. Following in others' footsteps is not for you. Independence, self-reliance, and originality are your keywords. You achieve success through your own initiative and efforts, and it is best for you to work alone or be at the head of things. You are not a team player, and do not cooperate very well with others. Sacrificing your own beliefs or desires in order to "fit in" just doesn't work for you. You rarely listen to advice or ask for outside help either. You need to be a free agent, to decide for yourself, experiment, and make your own mistakes.

You can be very self-centered without even realizing it, oblivious to the concerns of others. Your own interests and projects take precedence over everything else.

You want to be "Number One". Just be certain you don't trample over others on your way to your goal or you will alienate them and become the "odd man out".


You Career Number is ONE.

You are suited for activities calling for creativity, originality, inventiveness, courage, and initiative. You are a pioneer and explorer. Avoid partnerships - you are a dominant individual who needs to be in charge.

Careers and Vocations: Leader, executive, director, manager, foreman, head of a department, owner of your own business, inventor, originator and promoter of new methods or products, free-lancer, contractor, independent operator, self-made man or woman.


Your Missing Number(s) are:

TWO: Cultivate diplomacy, a valuable trait that can only help you as you develop emotionally, psychically, and mentally. Be more flexible -- try to truly cooperate, compromise, and appreciate another's point of view. Hone an awareness of others' needs and concerns. Remember that a take-no-prisoners attitude will only harm everyone -- including you -- in the end.

SIX: Try spending more time on the home front. Don't neglect your loved ones, who may need you more than you know. An increased interest in your community, whether on a local or global scale, can only help you develop your sense of self and let you reach your true goals. Now is the time to develop more loving concern for others. Realize that the personal touch and caring is more valuable than any strictly material gift you could give.

EIGHT: Try to develop an interest and an education in financial and legal matters to prevent mistakes with your finances. Learn how to manage time and resources more efficiently. Do you have a sense of what goals, both materially and spiritually, you would like to reach? Do you have ideas about how to start working toward them? If not, it's time to get practical. Educate yourself in the ways of the world, and you'll avoid making foolish decisions.


Your First Vowel is A.


Your instinctive response to any situation is ACTION. You are decisive and bold, and you meet life head on. You think for yourself, you know what you want and you go after it directly. Impulsive and headstrong, it will take you many years before you learn to look before you leap. You have a sense of adventure and a willingness to try a new path.

It is difficult for you to be still, to wait, or to allow situations to resolve themselves in their own time. You always want to DO something, get everything up front, resolve the problem. It is hard for you to live with ambivalence and uncertainty.

You cannot be deceptive or hide your true thoughts and intentions very easily. You are generally unafraid of what other people think of you. You dare to be yourself. Often, in fact, you appear oblivious to the impact your actions have on other people, and you may seem arrogant.


Your First Initial is M.

You are a loyal, conscientious, and giving person, who takes your work and personal responsibilities seriously. Others depend upon you, often heavily, and you are willing to take on the troubles and burdens of other people. You have very strong family ties which may require emotional or financial sacrifices on your part, and you are often the one to whom others turn in times of need. You may experience many emotional or physical difficulties, or help others to overcome such problems. You are compassionate and comforting to people in distress, but must be wary of becoming immersed and overwhelmed by others' sorrows. Avoid becoming a martyr. Marriage is very important to you and the love and security of a stable home and family are among your most cherished desires.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Is This What Makes the World Go Round?

The soul that can speak through the eyes, can also kiss with a gaze."
~Gustav Adolfo Becquer


I have love and relationships on my mind. This a topic on which I have so much to say but organizing my written thoughts in an appropriate manner is somewhat of a challenge for me. As a result, this short post has taken me almost a week to write.

People spend their lives searching for that special someone to love them unconditionally simply for what we are about.

Love and relationships take a whole lot of work by both parties. People change so it goes without saying that love can and will change as well. Sometimes, if you both nurture it, this love grows and blossoms with you, but if neglected, it can fade or it simply changes to a different kind of love. This I know.

I am a completely different person than I was five years ago or even ten years ago. The love that I once had has faded and changed, and I can't see it ever coming back. It did not make the change with me. It is still waiting for the old me to come back, but I don't think that's possible. I don't think I even want to make it possible.

This was not what I had planned and it devastates me.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

So What, I'm Still a Rock Star


Why the rock star title you ask? I don't know really. I was listening to Pink's song on the way to work this morning and it sounded good. I, however, am not a rock star which is quite all right with me.

Why the big butts promo picture above you ask? It's very simple folks. I like to call it "not-so subliminal messaging." Tell your friends!

I'm spending most of my free time studying these days. I take courses here at the university and have a midterm coming up. I'm taking sociology so I can study your asses....but not your individual asses. I'm studying your asses as a group or a society of asses if you will. And, if we're gong to get all technical, I'm not really studying your asses either. I did peak once though.

I don't know why I'm bringing up asses and butts so much today. It was really not my intent when I started this post.

University is something that I wish I had done when I was younger. I can honestly say that I have few regrets about what I HAVE done with my life but I have a few regrets about things I HAVEN'T done. University is one of them. (Editor's note: Not having sex with a certain someone waaaay back in the day is another!)

University wasn't mentioned to me when I was young. It was just assumed that I would either get a job and work or go to college after high school. It should have been an option because I was a bright kid. Without a doubt, I do not catch on to things now as quickly as I once did.

Sociology is a subject I love. I am a people watcher, and I could and stalk haunt pursue watch people for hours. We each have our own realities and/or perceptions of reality which is the simple explanation for "What the heck was she thinking?"

Be well.



Friday, November 14, 2008

Inquiring Minds Want to Know


I am an inquisitive person by nature. I like to learn new things. I enjoy meeting new people, especially people with different cultures, beliefs, morals, etc. I always have a lot of questions of them as well.

I have met my share of interesting people. Please note that simply because I have met these people and had conversations with them, it does not mean that I have or will ever take part in these lifestyles. I am, however, fascinated by them and their uniqueness. I have the utmost admiration for people who dare to be their true self.

I recently met a naturist, more commonly known as a nudist. I had so many questions. Life with no clothes. Personally, I think the whole thing would just freak me out, but these people think nothing of their nakedness. How different. I suppose my whole thing is separating nudity and sex. A naturist's distaste for clothing is not about sex. For me, naked=sex.

I am fascinated by the whole concept though. Again, don't take my fascination with wanting to try it or even judging it. Clothes shopping would simply not be the same, and really, what is life without shopping? I have no desire to take part, but wow, to be that comfortable with your body would be truly liberating. "This is me as I am."

I have bouts were I am very comfortable with my body and times when I don't want to see myself in the mirror, let alone have someone else look at me. It depends on which aspect of my personality is more pronounced that day. Some days, I feel bold and saucy and other days, I will avoid looking you in the eye. I'm not sure why. This is how I've always been. It confuses me too. Sometimes I feel like a nut and sometimes I don't.

We may get our first snow storm this weekend. I plan on curling up on the couch with a book and a blanket.

Love to you.



Thursday, November 13, 2008


Robin Williams was fabulous. He's really quite amazing to see. I'm in awe at how much he had to say and the rate at which he said it as well as the characters which he played. It was a great couple of days away and we couldn't have asked for better weather.

I've been having a lot of discussions lately about tattoos with a tattooed friend of mine. I've been having an itch lately to have another one done.

It's funny to me when people come to me and ask what is the symbolic meaning of my tattoos. For me, it's deeply personal and not something I wish to share. The tattoos are for me. It is my way of marking a moment in time. It's also my special little way of repelling some judgmental people. Yes, I know--How emo of me.

These past couple of nights, there has been a full moon in the sky.

The other day, as my pal and I were driving to Orillia, it was such a beautiful fall day. The perfect day for a drive. I just had to smile.

In these little moments, I don't have a care in the world. I stop and appreciate them now however I haven't always been that way. I do hope I continue being more aware and "grow" even more so. I don't want to forget again.